I will always say that I was born to live here…in California. I have lived many places and a few states, but I have never loved a place as much as I do in this one. It will be sad to leave the ocean, and I am leaving behind the love of my life. Sacrifices…I am always the one that sacrifices for the sake of sanity. I will miss him and the sound of the ocean, along with many other things. Things that make my soul feel pure…like walking to the sounds of the city in Oakland and the peaceful ride on the train up there. I will miss my toes in the sand, and the cold waters of the Pacific smacking me while I play with the waves. I will miss the opportunities to help people and share my voice to create change, since Arkansas is not as diverse as California…at all. I will miss the comfort of feeling a sense of fitting in. I was born to be in California, and I really hope to make it my final destination on my path of growth along the way. I’ll be back!
I’ve been packing today and trying to find everything I need, including every document to start a new life yet again. My hand has been upon my forehead in distress several times today, but we got a vast amount of work completed for the move, my daughter and I. We are very much alike and share many genetic and personality similarities, except my hoarding. I keep little, primordial things that date back to before the kids were born, and I get agitated if I lose my things. I have lost so much that the little things mean the most…
Did I mention that I hate moving more than laundry or dishes? LOL
I hope you enjoy my short story of my day using all of my word challenges *smiles*
Have you ever been to a clothing-optional (nude) venue, such as a beach, resort, club, party, etc? If so, what did you think of the experience? Would you do it again? If not, would you ever consider going to a clothing-optional gathering? Why or why not?
I have never been to a venue where clothing is optional, but I do not know that I would ever feel comfortable going to such a venue due to my own viewpoints about myself. My self-esteem is not strong enough to strut across a beach or sit at a table naked and feel normal. I would find myself worrying about everyone else judging me because that is how my life has been my entire life. “You need a diet” or “Putting on a few extra pounds there, eh?” Those are the normal things I grew up with. My dad was very body conscious and never was out of shape. When I started putting on pounds, he began being critical of me. I still feel the effects.
I am back with the word challenges today from my favorite daily prompts, and I figured I would take it back to a time when life was easy, which was just being a kid who learned to write poems and found her creativity. I hope you all will enjoy!
The word challenges today are teacher from Nox, composition from Fandango, phobia from Ragtag, watery from WOTD via Cyanny, hint from My Vivid Blog (my first for this prompt), and repine from Your Daily Word Prompt (also the first one).
A teacher lit the light in my soul Bringing me to poetry composition The phobia of doubting myself vanished The connection become immediate and real No repine from me, in the feelings of my peers I wrote without of hint of holding back Like the watery falls from atop a mountain I found my way with words and expression I found who I am…
Since, I didn’t get much time yesterday to write and release, I will be using the words from September 27th (yesterday) and today to let all of this pain out of my heart. Hopefully all the words together will release some pain and provide something interesting to read for all of you. These inspirations, the challenges, give me a way to heal inside to carry on my day. They trigger my creativity instead of my mental illness. Thank you to all of you that contribute to me feeling better each and every single day.
So…back in 2017, I moved here. I did not really want to upend my life and live on someone else’s terms. I owned my land and my house. Here I would be living under the roof with the same woman that nailed me down to the floor and beat me in the back until I could not walk well before I was even in my teens. The deciding factor was that she told me I would be safe here, so I trusted her. People change right? Pfft. That’s complete bullshit…sometimes the change is for the worse.
The psychoticism I’ve encountered since moving here has been nonstop since May of 2018, but I was and still am in no position to stand up for myself. I started therapy to try to get me through all of the changes happening in my life. I tried to stay to myself. I kept my mouth shut and my eyes open. Until the day I could no longer be someone’s speedbag that they just punching over and over and over again, in the literal sense…not the physical. There was one time she got physical with her abuse during a tantrum where she was tossing lawn furniture, but it was after I threw a small, square, under a pound Kleenex box at her rear end to make her stop ruining stuff. Her tantrum trigger me and scare me.
I don’t like anger, and I hate confrontation, mostly because I am usually the one who will pop someone in the mouth first for the disrespect. I never liked being an angry person, and I got help with my anger. It’s just one of the things that go along with having a broken brain…Sidetracked again, my bad.
Long story short, I worked really hard to try to build a life for myself here and failed. Some of it was my fault, and some was the people around me and their actions. I am moving back to Arkansas…a place I never wanted to call home again because I felt like I was born to live in California. It’s scary. It’s intimidating. I’m not okay…but I’m here.
I have spent over 24 hours in manic depression, severe anxiety, and feeling of hopelessness. My head is pounding. My self-esteem is in the toilet with my pride, and I am fucking tired. I am tired of fighting to feel like a human being that is not a complete waste of time and space. It’s been a bad Day 3 and 4 to say the least.
As per usual, I will be combining my word of the day challenges into one post with a new poetry style, which today will be A L’arora. It is another Laura Lamarca style, and consists of four 8-line stanzas without a syllabic restriction. The 6th and 8th line will be the only rhymes.
This post is inspired by last night’s events with the toxic ones. I will be moving soon. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I may be going backwards.
I’m trying to move on but keep climbing to be pushed down Like running up a human-sized bowl with slippers on my feet Slipping, I struggle and wriggle and beg and plead unsuccessfully I have become amenable to your behavior, your ways, and your abuse My insides are screaming for safety, quality, and peace To feel the essence of my own being sounds of sanctity and bliss
Just let me be and leave me alone…let me live You think you have not erred…dumbfound and clueless
It’s too late to stop what you put into motion I am turning my back, walking away, gone soon In my eyes and heart, you’ll no longer exist A stranger with no sister, no nieces, no great niece Your family is leaving you and lacking one tear on our face Your own doing, losing us all this way
All I wanted is to breath, to excel, and be myself Your control, anger, and denial turned brightness gray
Calling me out of my name that came from my birth Pushing and yelling, your triggered my soul Pain and suffering was not ever the master plan of my move Dumbed out here like garbage, I needed a light for my path I was met with your darkness, exploits, and disdain
I have to save me now from the wrath of your illness Conversations and a relationship are dead, I refrain
You broke me from the innermost part of who I could be tomorrow Money is not what makes this world spin upon it’s axis Only controls people to make them as puppets of their masters All I wanted is to be who I am, successful and benevolent You wanted mirror-image, to mold me as an imposter
All of this sorrow, so unneeded, unnecessary, and preventable You can check my name off of your “people to abuse” roster
This is my first Song Lyric Sunday! I am really excited to do this challenge because as soon as I read the theme, I knew the song I would choose *laughs*. After the night I had, it was nice to giggle a bit today when I saw the theme was inspired by a new friend, Fandango. Here’s to you, Fandango!
I figured I would tell everyone that I am trying to get a little bit more done on the story of Sebastian and Davina, but I am going back an changing a few errors in the time period that I want the setting to be. I want the cell phones to be the old blocky ones, so the car of Davina will have to change from a Prius to something else. Clearly, that model of Toyota was not present at the same time as blocky, pull-the-antenna type cell phones *laughs*.
I am also correcting some grammar and usage issues that are driving me insane as I read through. When I publish, I rarely go back and read what I write because I am very critical of myself. This is the first time that the story is actually falling together. I found some cool coincidences and built the setting and locations from that coincidence. I won’t let the cat out of the bag yet haha!
I need to find a title, so the names may change on the “Untitled (for now)” posts. I am always open to suggestions and would give credit where it was due, of course *smiles*.
How do you feel when you begin editing yourself? Are you like me and can sometimes scratch a whole poem or story because you’re not feeling it? This is the first one that I have really wanted to edit and make whole. Pretty cool!
It is the weekend, so I am trying to distract myself from the toxic ones. I will be very productive today and tomorrow lol. How’s your weekend going?
My lived experience of receiving, & living with the effects of, a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), & the many ways in which it has affected me, & my interactions with traditional mental health services & supports. In addition, I share what I've learned from this, & my thoughts around what would've been more helpful for me, & how we can all work to be more helpful to each other... this blog, like me, is a work in progress, but hopefully we're both headed in the right direction. 😉