Welcome friends to the ramblings of my subconscious! It is always hard to find the right words to introduce myself, as I am not good at speaking out front about who I am. I will just share a little and hope that it intrigues you to read further.
As a young girl, poetry always challenged my mind to think in different directions..with my creativity peaking when I discovered poetry in the 6th grade. It started with rhymes of my teachers (some getting me in quite a predicament with those said teachers), and then I started writing poems about nature and the world around me. It became an outlet for me to express myself in ways that helped me understand more than letting others into my world. As time has gone on, a darkness has filled a few of my writings, and it brings me to where I am today…rambling on about life, happiness, and even strife that I conquer or fail at in my everyday boring life.
I hope that my writings will touch you in a way to make you love what you are reading or allow you to relate to the feelings which I am bringing forth to you…the public.
E. M. Kingston
Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.
Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.
The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.
For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.
Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.
Little secrets, little lies
Irrelevant at the time
Two hours later, not enough time
I was never really on your mind
Deception of mind, trying too hard
You never were really mine
All my money, financially struck
You used me while you moved on
Blame game, hurting my soul
I’m singing my same ole song
Loyalty I gave, destruction received
My heart is burning and in need
Broken promises, anger with hate
My word kept with tears on my face
Tearing burning heart, soul aflame
Maybe my stupidity is stronger than grace
Every single thing I had inside
Now crumble into nothing
My heart is cold and numb
Nothing left to give another soul
Your violations of trust burst inside me like fire
I found out.
One must be more selective who is allowed to affect his or her life.
It’s okay to allow yourself to be persnickety with your inner circle.
It’s acceptable to screen the people entering your life on the daily.
Be difficult. Be cautious. Be persnickety.
It’s your life!
It warrants looking sideways for a moment or turning your nose up to the garbage that is fed to your soul by people who are not legitimate in their intentions with the goodness in your life.
Your destination does not have to end with chaos.
Breathe yourself in and choose to be persnickety with the welfare of your subconscious.
You deserve it!
It’s funny how time changes when you are alone. Sometimes it flows slower because you are not racing to make anyone else happy anymore. You can take a moment to breathe in a deep breath, and that breath revives your inner-self and soul. It feels so good that even your bones feel free of release from pain, stress, worry, and anxiety. You feel loose rather than the tightness of glue on your skin. Alone feels like freedom when you allow yourself to feel truly in your own skin and space that belongs only to you. You feel grounded. Your soul regroups. Then you’re able to feel surrounded by you and feel like you’re not alone anymore.
Shivering to my bones with teeth clattering loudly, I hold myself tightly.
Creating friction from my hands to my shaking limbs, I rub swiftly.
The chilling air has rendered me spastic with cold.
Winter is coming at a high rate of speed, am I not ready?
No… I’m not.
I wanna be the one who can be happy.
I wanna breathe myself in deeply.
There’s room for me to love the person I am.
Without consent or consequence from him, her, you, or them.
I am worth the time I extend to learning who I am and where I fit into this cruel world.
My eyes reflect back to myself as if they were jeweled.
My needing has been rendered pointless.
The argument to keep me must be relentless.
The feeling of love should be mutual and unique.
Like a romance of light bouncing off the window of the corner boutique.
What say you of me? I really don’t care.
This isn’t about you… As I flash you a blank stare.
I am loving me now to the best they took away.
My loyalty to not dwindle as I’m here to stay.
I have to find myself without anyone else to help.
The one that I will be open to will need to scream or yelp.
To those that broke me, I’m finding my way back.
You didn’t win against me… I picked up your slack.
I don’t remember the day that I knew it was over.
I do remember the pain leaving my heart like lightning.
My aching shoulders felt lighter than a leaf falling from the tree. I felt free.
After I carried too much for too long, I could breathe without angering him anymore.
I could be me without consequences.
I had back the power that I gifted to him.
I took back my heart to heal it from so many tears. Unnecessary tears from unnecessary pain because the pain inflicted upon me was not my own.
It was his, and now my pain is only mine to heal.
What is this feeling?
It exudes from my soul
My heart is racing
But not taking a toll
Like fire, it burns
With no damage done
My tummy does turns
I find beauty in the sun
My breath becomes shaky
My knees feel so weak
Like my body is awakening
Future no longer bleak
Love feels like this?
It doesn’t have to hurt?
I wantingly crave his kiss
My senses high on alert
I think he’s my one
My heart he completes
In this for the long run
Finally, I’m at peace.
Subtle love guiding me
Through times of fear and unknowing
You lead me through the storm…
That is raging in my heart and mind
There’s that smile lights my fire to emotions
My soul ignited like a bonfire in autumn
My skin is flush with your love
My life is complete with your touch
I am full of your love that consumes me
Engorged, complete, satisfied
Constant feels in my heart
All from your love my love
With much love ❤
My mind has the tendency to race around in circles which results in me literally flying all over the place mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have too much weight on me…bogging down upon my shoulders. I have moral dilemmas, matters of the heart, financial issues and questions, and so much more I am worried about each and every second of every single day. It drains me. It allows me to feel worthless. All that racing just makes me so tired…like I am spinning and spiraling down a drain coated with pictures of my life. It is so crowded by the old stuff that plagues me that the new stuff is harder to pick out and ground myself to the present time of my life.
I read my medicine cards today, and they reached out healing with the medicine of creativity and aloneness in order to find my place in this world. Two things that I am truly struggling tooth and nail with. I really have no one place that I am safe and feel a sense of belonging. I can look inside my mind for a sanctuary there, but who wants to do that? Who wants to hide in that fucking mess? Not this girl right here. I want to breathe, live, and learn who I am by experiencing the life that I am choosing for myself at this moment. I am tired of feeling like a broken down, soulless woman.
I am one of those people that crumble in their weakest times because I do not know how to fix my own problems. I am great with helping other people and strive for that. However, I feel selfish if I try to fix myself and my own issues. And…If I am not placing some sort of guilt on myself, then I am over-analyzing the intentions and words of all of those around me because I fall out of grips with my gifts…allowing these gifts to feel as if they are curses. It just makes me so over-complicated when everything should be so much easier.