My Stream of Consciousness – 10/16/2021 – A lot of “Ifs”

If only I had been stronger to fight the demons, my life would be different. However, she tells me that I am very strong to have been through so much and continue to stand strong and achieve my goals.

If I would have listened to my inner self, I could have saved my family many tears, pain, and sorrow.

If I would have lived my life better and made better choices, they would have never suffered from my failures.

If I look to the moon and stars, I can feel a connection with this amazing energy, but I waste it sometimes.

If he asked me to come back, I would let him.

If I was a little bit more brave, I would tell him how I really feel.

If I felt better, I would get more done.

If I would have started my life sooner, it would resolve so much regret.

If my physical pain would subside, my mental would feel less stressed.

If I look in the mirror, I sometimes do not like the face staring back at me.

If I achieve my dreams, I will feel star spangled inside of my soul for once.

If I would have noticed his behavior before marrying him, he would have never been able to swindle all of my stuff away from me, and I would have been able to be more productive financially.

If not for betrayal, I would have never been able to espy towards the type of person that I want to be. It’s a process daily, but it is in my sights.

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This was written for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness (SoCS) weekly prompt. I combined the word challenges in this as well since I am running behind today. It’s so many “ifs”, but there is room for improvement by looking at them and seeing what I need to be doing to fix myself.

E.M.’s Answer to #FPQ #139

Fandango’s Provocative Question this week is:

Do you consider yourself today to be more of a spontaneous person or more of a stable person? Which characteristic in others, spontaneity or stability, do you prefer? Why?

My answer is:

I am what some would call a hot mess at times and stable at other times. Sometimes I am very spontaneous when it comes to going on trips or making a romantic night out (in the past…since I am flying solo these days). I hate when I have a day planned out and something comes up spontaneous that makes me miss out on the plans that I have made. Drastic changes that come up immediately make me very uncomfortable and anxious. I guess the easy answer is that I like to have control of my life at all times because it’s the only thing I have that is my own.

I would rather be stable all of the time, but spontaneity does happen against my better judgments lol.

A good example is the drastic decision to move to Arkansas from California. Everything broke as we planned the move, and now I am staying put and trying to put my best foot forward. The move was spontaneous and made me uncomfortable, but it was one of those situations where I had to choose my battles. I lost both of those battles, and I am still here writing in order to feel stable.

When it comes to other people, I prefer stability because I am such a hot mess all in my own respect.

xoxo, E.M.

FPQ

E.M.’s Photo Challenge #386

This is the first time using this Photo Challenge prompt from Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie, and I am really excited to try it. I am going to mix the word challenges in this creation, and I hope you all enjoy it.

Photo Credit: Caters

He looks down at the dirty streets filled with cars and people, and he wonders what it would feel like to fall. Tears fill his eyes in a flood of emotion, and he runs his fingers along the underside of groovy edges on the cement balcony upon which he sits while peeking over the edge of his knees. He feels like his life is an allusion of what he should be, and the sounds coming from below are bloodcurdling, loud, and triggering.

He is too scared to push off forward to his demise, and he hopes someone will come to save him from himself. He wants to look back but can only look down. His face flushes with fear, and his ears feel as hot as the sun in the desert.

Then it happened. He no longer felt like he was on fire. He feels divine intervention holding onto him as his heart races, causing a shiver in his bones.

“I can’t do this”, he says to himself. He slowly backs his bottom to where he can put each leg in a safe place and exits his looming demise.

“I have too much life to live to go out like this. Thank you, God!”

He exits the balcony, grabs a bottle of water, and walks out the door to never go back again.

Share Your World – E.M. Style – 10/11/2021 Prompt

Melanie B. Cee hosts a prompt of questions that allows us to share how we see the world according to the questions. This is my first share on this prompt *smiles*. Here are my Share Your World answers:

What is the scariest game (board or on-line) you ever may have played?

I have a couple scary games, one board and one online). The first one is not a game but some treat it as such, and that “game” is Ouija. When I was a young girl, me and my best friend, Janet, dabbled around with one, and it almost ruined both of our lives. There is nothing good behind the Ouija. The second game is online and called Dead By Daylight. If you have never played it, serial killers hunt you are you become the hunter. The goal is to start the generators to open the door to escape before the killer gets you and hangs you on a meat hook.

What’s just ‘over the rainbow” for you?

I wish I knew. There’s not many rainbows in the Valley because it hardly rains. If I had to guess, there would be little men with pitchforks awaiting my arrival lol.

Do you have to watch something upbeat after watching a suspense or horror movie so you can go to sleep?

I cannot watch horror movies at all. It does not matter the time of day I watch them…always end up with night terrors if I watch something scary.

Is there intent behind every action?

Usually, yes. Everybody wants something in return…unfortunately.

GRATITUDE SECTION  (as always, optional)

I am thankful for having so many fellow bloggers that read and interact with my posts, and I am thankful that I am not alone because of all of you.

E.M.’s Flash Fiction #139

Fandango sponsors Fandango’s Flash Fiction, where he posts a picture to inspire us to write a little bit based upon a photo prompt. The photo below is from Vivike@viviendorkaa.com.

Photo credit: Vivike@viviendorkaa.com

As she lies there next to her hand-drawn friend, she sees what her world can be if she just creates it for herself. She lays there without a care in this world, and she sets her heart free. While she still holds onto her heart, she feels love and admiration of her friend…as this is what she feels is the best feeling in the world. She’s not alone. She has Mr. Chalk, clothes on her back, and a beautiful sky above her.

She could lay there like that for hours imagining that Mr. Chalk was real, and in her mind, he was her best friend. He did not argue with her or tell her that she was not enough. Her peace came so easily while she had him next to her because she felt safe from harm.

At the right time of the day, they would lie in the sunshine, soaking up the Vitamin D from the sun. Other times of the day, the tree shadows would hold the string of her heart, protecting it from the world around them.

No one could pop Mr. Chalk’s balloon, and there was not a soul that could break Amy’s big heart.

What E.M. Sees #103

This is my first #WDYS prompt, and I am excited to do this challenge. I tend to trail on the dark side a bit because of the things that go on in my life, and I hope you all can relate with what I see.

Here is the photo prompt:

Image credit; Jovan Vasiljević

What I see is someone’s hard work and skill resting peacefully in a basket. I see them waking up at the break of dawn to start the day to put breakfast on the table. Each of the donuts are the same taste, but they are different sizes and coated in their own perfection. Each one will appeal to one certain person that picks one. Even though they all probably taste the same, one person will love each one differently because they touch each of those people in they’re own way.

Like choosing the people in our lives, these donuts will be chosen according to which one looks like they are what is best for the person wishing to consume it. I’m not saying that we consume people per se. I am just saying that we absorb the people around us, some ways good and some bad. After they are gone, do we miss them though or want another one?

xoxo, E.M.

Waking Up: Life with E.M.

From the time I wake up, I struggle with even wanting to get out of bed. The problem is that I really want my first cigarette of the day, but my body wants to stay in bed to avoid what is waiting outside. I do it though. I rise up and throw my comfortable covers to the side and allow myself to take the steps needed to go smoke. Then I play a few games on my phone, and then I write down all of my feelings from the time I wake up.

I have a legal pad that I doodle my thoughts upon. I never really read them until I feel like I can do something with them though. I use them when I need to heal and express. This week I have wrote more on paper than I have written on my blog, but sometimes I feel like, “Who wants to read sadness all of the time?” There is so much sadness and feeling pity for my situation.

Mental illness is terrible. I think I would much rather have the flu because you can recover from it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find my version of happy or feel free of my own insecurities and inner suffering. The thoughts inside of my head are crucial, and they really mess me up. I am a human sponge when it comes to people around me, and I feel everything. I try to ground myself to not feel their energy, but when everyone is mad at you all of the time for speaking your own truth…it’s heartbreaking.

I wish I could just shut of my empath skills, like for real. I am sick of feeling everyone’s disdain for their own lives that they project onto mine. I am tired of not being able to tell people when they upset me or disrespect me. I keep my mouth shut 9 times out of 10 because I hate confrontation and anger. I put on my smile, forget that they just hurt me, and move on with life because I am the only one around this house that is not entitled to have feelings or speak out when someone has made me feel a certain way.

I hate that I feel stuck and feel conflicted on what to do. I am tired of fighting to belong somewhere. I have struggled with that my entire life…never fitting in. I have always been different and seen the world different than other people. I think it has some aspects to do with having a few blessings of abilities, and the other part of it is that I am not an evil person. I wish I could treat people like they treat me and talk to me.

Honestly, I have to wake up and keep going because my pain gives me power, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse to let people continue to break me. It’s time to get help. It was the worst day today, so it can only go up from here… right?

xoxo, E.M.

Settling vs Accepting: My #FPQ Answer

Every week, Fandango hosts a provocative question for all of us to answer, and this week’s question is:

Do you see a difference between settling for things and accepting the way things are? If so, in what way are they different? If not why do you feel settling and accepting are the same?

Here is my answer:

There is a difference between settling and accepting, but I think both are not achieving your best self. Settling is taking what you get handed to you, and it does not matter what you want. You take it and learn to live with it. Acceptance of a situation in your life is looking at all of the paths to that point and saying, “Ok, this is who I am, and I am going to make the best of what I have been blessed with”. The difference is that in acceptance, you could already be the best version of yourself and accept it, whereas in settling, you know you can be better or do better; however, you have given up a little bit in achieving your best.

E.M.’s October 8th Fibs: Books

Here are my answers to yesterday’s Fibbing Friday sponsored by Pensitivity101.

1. A Tale of Two Cities

This is a tale that set the stage for Westeros, and it is about the war between Winterfell and King’s Landing. Jon Snow dies in the first chapter.


2. Pride and Prejudice

In this book, it tells the story of Charles Manson and his minions. It’s a true story of how pride and prejudice consumed their souls enough to murder an entire village.


3. Little Women

This is the first book about female Oompah Loompahs, since they didn’t really show any when filming the Wizard of Oz.


4. The Carpetbaggers

These are the stories about wealthy men and women who could afford to carry bags covered in cashmere carpet to show how rich they were while traveling.


5. What Katy Did Next

Nancy Drew finds Katy and writes about her every account of life for 180 days… Eventually, she has nothing left to do next.


6. Dune

Everyone knows this is the true story of Jason Mamoa’s journey to being an axeman.


7. Cider with Rosie

This is a short story about Rosie O’Donnell and her love of hooch.


8. Far from the Madding Crowd

The happy crowd is jumping through hoops, literally, to avoid being mad.


9. Jaws

This is a true story about boxers and what a left hook can do to the jaws of their opponents.


10. The Lord of the Rings

It’s a true story about how the Olympic committee developed the logo for the Olympics and the first winner ever of the Gold!

xoxo, E.M.