The Lover’s Walk

This week’s Story Starter teaser is:

We had planned to meet under the bridge at midnight, but…

my heart was still so fragile from the night before. Deon and I had a terrible fight last night, and I had spent the majority of my night hugged up with my pillow and soaking it with tears. My heart was broken. It was hard to fall asleep due to the pain in my heart. If a sign would have addressed the state of mind I was in, it would have been a big, yellow HAZARD sign. My heart was up Shite Creek without a paddle when we fought or had a bad night, and I really wanted to meet him there under the stars. I would break every speed limit to get there, just to see his face and be in close proximity.

I could picture myself there, standing at the bridge, agog with excitement awaiting his arrival. He was one of those men that made your leg kick up slightly with just a peck of a kiss. He always smelled like the finest cologne, and he was so utterly handsome. When things were normal in our relationship, we would satiate for one another and be at one with our togetherness.

The problem was that he had been through so much in his life that his trauma ruled his life. When life went bad, so did he. When things were good, they were really good, but when things were bad, they were really bad. He would exude that trauma at me when I would least expect it. I tried not to blame him, but that was one of the hardest tasks.

Instead of meeting him under that bridge next to the ocean’s edge, I took all the money I had, cash and all, and I bought a one-way ticket out of town. He would come home to find a note folded neatly on the counter, and all it would say when his eyes found it was “Goodbye.”

© E.M. Kingston 2021

This post was written for Fandango’s Story Starter #20, The Daily Spur’s Word of the Day, Fandango’s One-Word Challenge, Ragtag’s Daily Prompt, Word of the Day Challenge, My Vivid Blog’s Word Challenge, Your Daily Word Prompt, and Three Things Challenge.

xoxo, E.M.

E.M.’s Flashback Friday – 11/12/2021

I had to go back to my archive of poetry from my old blog to find something to share for today’s Flashback Friday prompt from Fandango. I did not have a post for the exact date of today, but I did have one for the date of 6/12/2016. It made me remember how long my darkness and unhappiness ruled my life, but that is not a bad thing. It makes me look forward, and forward has what I want and love in it.

Painful Love Lost

The battle fighting within me
breaks me from the inside out
as I see your faces as I remember you all
loving me the way you used to.

The tears I cry in my dreams are real
the memories like yesterday but today
but I cannot cry them when awake
for they make me feel weak and afraid.

I gave you so much of myself
that sometimes I have not much left
to share with others or even to sustain life
because you were my life, and you’re gone.

I try not to think of you most times
thinking the pain will just fade away
but this kind of pain sits in your gut
and it fights you and rips you apart.

Maybe that will make you feel better
knowing that I’m never going to be okay
but even still you should know
I love you all until the last breath leaves my lungs.

I was born to love you.

© E.M. Kingston 6/12/2016

Twenty Years Ago with E.M.

Fandango’s Provocative Question this week asks us:

How much have you and your priorities changed over the past twenty years? If you’re on the younger side, answer from the perspective of the past ten years or even five years.

My Answer is:

Back in 2001, I had a 5-year-old and a one-year-old, so I tried to have my only priority as being their momma. I definitely did not always succeed. I had a rough time living back in this time because I was sometimes homeless and chaotic. I was a good mom with terrible luck because most of my family was unable to help me get my life together. I was so stubborn. I did not want to grow up and act grown. I was a drinker and partied a lot because I was young and dumb. My oldest daughter spent a lot of time with her father and my father while I tried to figure life out. My younger daughter was with me through everything, even the homelessness and couch surfing. I was definitely a different person than the woman I am today.

Back in those days, I had a voice that I did not know how to use, and I really did not know what I wanted to do with my life. My priorities now are much different. I am working hard to be a parent to my children, and I am career-minded. I know what I want to be now, and how I want to get there. I know how to use my voice to create change, and I am driving my own life now. I have had a few bumps along the way, like getting divorced and moving out here to California, but they have been bumps that have propelled me into a new life that I never knew that I wanted before. A life that looks promising is in my grasps.

Twenty years ago, I was trying to survive, and that was my priority. Now, I am surviving and trying to thrive as my priority. I cannot complain too much. Life is decent.

xoxo, E.M.

Today’s Ramble – Neck Pain

In 2013, I was injured while working as an attendant at a gas station. I always make the joke that I was disabled by a 30-pack of beer, but it’s not really that big of a joke. I’ve had to return to the doctor again after having surgery on both my neck and shoulder from a customer not moving a 30-pack of beer within my reach to scan it during checkout. Apparently, the way that my finger grabbed it, dislocated my shoulder and tore my labrum inside of my shoulder. That one painful sensation in one night’s time from one customer’s laziness has led me to two major surgeries in 2016, five (going on six MRIs), and a great deal of pain and suffering.

So, here it is 2021, and I am still having problems with both my neck and shoulder. So, I made an appointment, and I went to see that doctor today. He’s a spine doctor. He’s kind of a jerk, but my last spine doctor was an asshole too…maybe that’s what makes them the best. Who knows? He ordered an MRI of my cervical spine, and I will have to schedule that when they call me. He also prescribed Lyrica to help with the nerve pain at night to allow me to sleep better. I have tried Gabapentin before, and it made me feel the bone-on-bone pain in my shoulder. Wish me luck on that…I will pick it up tomorrow.

I am about to write some more on the novel and on the challenges. I have a few to get done. I am running late today due to this appointment from earlier. Have a great rest of your day or night everyone! Thanks for reading!

xoxo, E.M.

E.M.’s World – 11/2/2021

These are my answers to Share Your World. If you want to share with us, click here.

What was the very first popular song you ever remember taking a liking to? I’m not talking about children’s songs or old traditional songs… but the kind of songs you’d hear on the radio.

Are you one of those people who get queasy at the sight of blood, or could you watch an open heart surgery?

So, it depends. I have been a cutter since I was very young, and that blood doesn’t make me queasy, but other people’s blood spewing out of their arms will definitely make me feel icky. I have to look away when they draw blood or put in an IV. Blood and I have a love/hate relationship.

Who or what do you feel is lurking right behind you, just waiting to ambush you and make your life a living hell (or “heck” for those with delicate sensibilities)?

My PK energy…always. I am my own worst enemy at times.

What is the gaudiest thing you have ever worn?

Plastic framed glasses in 7th grade…I wish I could find a picture to show you. My mother gave me a mullet with a perm, and my glasses swallowed my entire face. Or at least it felt like it lol.

Fess up! What was something you did as a child that got you into BIG trouble?

Let’s see. I ran away three times. I got caught smoking a lot, once while at school. My mom’s boyfriend was on the school board, and they were touring the school grounds. We were outside the cafeteria, and I was caught with the cigarette in my hand. I got in so much trouble at home and at school. I got in-house detention, and at home, I got grounded.

What are you looking forward to as the festive season approaches?

Family! It’s everything. I look forward to feeling better and spending some quality time with the ones I love most on this planet.

Flashback Friday – Grounded Happily

This post was originally published on October 29,2020. I am sharing it again for Fandango’s Flashback Friday. I remember this day very well. It was a good day and clarified my standing with myself. I lost it again somewhere between then and now, but I am slowly coming back up.

It’s funny how time changes when you are alone.

Sometimes it flows slower because you are not racing to make anyone else happy anymore.

You can take a moment to breathe in a deep breath, and that breath revives your inner-self and soul.

It feels so good that even your bones feel free of release from pain, stress, worry, and anxiety.

You feel loose rather than the tightness of glue on your skin.

Alone feels like freedom when you allow yourself to feel truly in your own skin and space that belongs only to you.

You feel grounded.

Your soul regroups.

Then you’re able to feel surrounded by yourself and feel like you’re not alone anymore. 

© E.M. Kingston 2020

E.M.’s Answer to Suffering – FPQ #141

This week, Fandango’s Provocative Question asks:

Do you agree that human suffering can be beneficial and that suffering is a necessary part of the human condition? Why or why not?

My answer is this:

Whether I agree or agree to disagree, suffering should not be necessary to live life. I do not believe that every human suffers, but I do believe that good humans suffer more than most. Some people have it easier than others, and as a person who normally suffers through every second of living, I wish it was different for me. I don’t think suffering has helped me do better or learn more. I don’t think that it has made me more determined or productive. If anything, it has set me back more times than I can count on my hands and toes. It’s made me not trust and to hold back feelings, and it has caused me to question life on a continual basis. While I am having better days, the suffering is where I go to when I feel broken, and I don’t like it there.

It’s like that saying, “God does not give a person more than they can handle”. I call BS on that…He’s handed me way too much and way too many times to the point that I have a hard time with having faith that things can or will get better. Breathing and living should not be this hard. Suffering should never be necessary.

xoxo, E.M.

Sunday Ramble – Anxiety, Wind, and Otherwise

Hello everyone! I have had a bad mental health weekend since I am getting used to the new meds. My highs are really high, and my sleep has been non-existent due to the highs making me like a kid jacked up on sugar, except for an entire week. I think in 5 days that I have slept less than 12 hours.

Then, to top it off, we have some very strong wind that is making the gazebo blinds smack the crap out of me when I am outside smoking, so there has been no comfort and lots of anger triggers. I have been annoyed to the point that I cannot concentrate on my favorite Sunday activity during this time of the year…football. I think I watched a little bit here and there. Tomorrow my team plays though, which I am excited about.

Long story short…E.M. is having a manic weekend. Works are in progress. I’ll be back at it again tomorrow, hopefully.

xoxo, E.M.

2010 – Story Starter #16

Fandango has a weekly Story Starter to get us writing some new goodies on our blogs, and it’s a great way to get a story started and be inspired to write.

This week’s Story Starter teaser is:

It was in the spring of 2010 when I first realized that I could…

free myself from the grips of a man who will never like me, let alone love me. I had thought in the beginning that he was the perfect one for me, but I could not have been more wrong. He was toxic, and I knew I needed to get away from his narcissisms. A chance came about where he went to jail for not paying his child support, and I made the attempt to keep him away. One of my friends drove all the way from Michigan to come and help me out. He had left me financially broken, which was not something that was new. I never had my own money, only his. That’s another way of many that he controlled me, with money. The other ways were with cars and forcing me to take drugs.

I had many different vehicles that he sold or trashed that belonged to me only for short moments. When he bought a vehicle for himself, it would be a manual transmission, since he knew I could not drive a stick. It required too much coordination, and I was not a fan of shifting gears. I was more of a put it into gear and go kind of girl. This disadvantage of mine, he used to his advantage to keep me home like a hermit. My only refuge away from the loneliness was my online gaming and social media. That wasn’t so bad, I guess. I got to interact with people who I found to be decent people, but I just had a small group of friends that could never save me from my solitude. It was what it was, but I knew I needed to get away or push him out.

As if the control with money and cars wasn’t enough, he then started bringing home drugs and telling me I was so fat that I needed to do them. When you are under control of another person, the manipulation of your mental health is easy, so I complied due to my self-hate that I already had about myself. He used my own issues with myself against me, and I did what he said. He brought home meth, and I either snorted it or smoked it. It would keep me up for days though, which was almost a good side effect to the drugs. I’m not proud of the fact that I did not have the willpower to not do them, but they saved me from a lot of sexual abuse while sleeping. If I wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t get at me like he normally did. I embraced that fact about the meth. It saved me a little bit from more abuse.

When he got put in jail, everything was a little less heavy, and I went to visit him to tell him that he was not allowed to come home. At this time, we were not legally married, and I owned the house and land that we lived on. My mom gave it to me in an attempt to keep me from ever being homeless. My friend, who we will just call T.G., helped me with a few bills and finding my love of coffee. He showed me another world. Sadly, it was short-lived because I was scared of my ex, and I didn’t want T.G. to get hurt or for me to get hurt either. I sent him away and took the loser back when he got out of jail. I was too scared. I failed at this attempt to leave him or push him out.

There would be three other attempts, with third time being a charm, to get away from him. That is how I ended up in California. He moved onto the next victim. I still feel like I failed at escaping him sometimes because he got rid of me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found myself here.

If you have ever been in this situation or are in a situation like this, get out! There are many resources to help you, and I never knew about them. There are shelters that hide you from your abuser, and there are people that will help you get free. Don’t let them abuse you like I did. You may fail the first attempt at freedom, but keep trying until you succeed.

xoxo, E.M.

E.M.’s Halloween Truths for Truthful Tuesday

Each week, PCGuyIV hosts Truthful Tuesday. Click here to join in the fun! Here is the question and my answer from the prompt.

The Question

Considering how last year went and the current state of things, do you have any plans for Halloween this year? Will you be going to any costume parties, handing out trick-or-treat candy, or just staying at home with the porch light off so no one will bother you? Please let us know!

The Truthful Answer

Last year we made the best of the situation, and we got decked out in costumes while playing some music and passing out candy in the driveway. This year things will be a little different since I have my grandbaby. This is her first Halloween, so we will be dressing up and hitting the streets to trick-or-treat. My sister will probably stay back and hand out the candy while my daughter, grandbaby, and me go to the porch lights.

I am curious how many will actually be on, but I live in a community that has been pretty rebellious when it comes to Covid restrictions. I think there will be quite a few. I don’t know what I will dress up for this year, but I am thinking of being a pirate or Jack from Nightmare Before Christmas. Last year I was Sally.