2010 – Story Starter #16

Fandango has a weekly Story Starter to get us writing some new goodies on our blogs, and it’s a great way to get a story started and be inspired to write.

This week’s Story Starter teaser is:

It was in the spring of 2010 when I first realized that I could…

free myself from the grips of a man who will never like me, let alone love me. I had thought in the beginning that he was the perfect one for me, but I could not have been more wrong. He was toxic, and I knew I needed to get away from his narcissisms. A chance came about where he went to jail for not paying his child support, and I made the attempt to keep him away. One of my friends drove all the way from Michigan to come and help me out. He had left me financially broken, which was not something that was new. I never had my own money, only his. That’s another way of many that he controlled me, with money. The other ways were with cars and forcing me to take drugs.

I had many different vehicles that he sold or trashed that belonged to me only for short moments. When he bought a vehicle for himself, it would be a manual transmission, since he knew I could not drive a stick. It required too much coordination, and I was not a fan of shifting gears. I was more of a put it into gear and go kind of girl. This disadvantage of mine, he used to his advantage to keep me home like a hermit. My only refuge away from the loneliness was my online gaming and social media. That wasn’t so bad, I guess. I got to interact with people who I found to be decent people, but I just had a small group of friends that could never save me from my solitude. It was what it was, but I knew I needed to get away or push him out.

As if the control with money and cars wasn’t enough, he then started bringing home drugs and telling me I was so fat that I needed to do them. When you are under control of another person, the manipulation of your mental health is easy, so I complied due to my self-hate that I already had about myself. He used my own issues with myself against me, and I did what he said. He brought home meth, and I either snorted it or smoked it. It would keep me up for days though, which was almost a good side effect to the drugs. I’m not proud of the fact that I did not have the willpower to not do them, but they saved me from a lot of sexual abuse while sleeping. If I wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t get at me like he normally did. I embraced that fact about the meth. It saved me a little bit from more abuse.

When he got put in jail, everything was a little less heavy, and I went to visit him to tell him that he was not allowed to come home. At this time, we were not legally married, and I owned the house and land that we lived on. My mom gave it to me in an attempt to keep me from ever being homeless. My friend, who we will just call T.G., helped me with a few bills and finding my love of coffee. He showed me another world. Sadly, it was short-lived because I was scared of my ex, and I didn’t want T.G. to get hurt or for me to get hurt either. I sent him away and took the loser back when he got out of jail. I was too scared. I failed at this attempt to leave him or push him out.

There would be three other attempts, with third time being a charm, to get away from him. That is how I ended up in California. He moved onto the next victim. I still feel like I failed at escaping him sometimes because he got rid of me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found myself here.

If you have ever been in this situation or are in a situation like this, get out! There are many resources to help you, and I never knew about them. There are shelters that hide you from your abuser, and there are people that will help you get free. Don’t let them abuse you like I did. You may fail the first attempt at freedom, but keep trying until you succeed.

xoxo, E.M.

Happy Saturday: Diagnosis

I was going to fill you all in when I got out of my session yesterday, but I think I was in a bit of shock. I got a new diagnosis, and it made more sense to me while still having a hard time accepting it.

I have Bipolar Disorder with manic depression and severe anxiety. I am not sure which type that is, but the Doctor A felt that it’s pretty severe.

We clicked well, and she was easy to talk to. She prescribed new meds, and I have to go get blood work done before she starts me on the bipolar meds. I’m always scared to take meds to feel normal, but I cannot keep feeling crazy either. My previous therapist had taught me some skills to help me when I spiral, but those stopped working for me.

I will definitely be writing more for prompts and challenges today, so some of my feelings will probably come out in those. It will be staggered though with errands and football games. I am quite the football junkie lol.

I hope you are all doing okay! Do you watch any football? How’s your day going so far?

xoxo, E.M.

What I Am Doing Today

Today has been a decent day, and it’s nice to have one of those once in a while. There is a bit of anxiety, but it’s not the bad kind because I will be seeing a new therapist/psychiatrist today. I believe she is a nurse practitioner for psychiatry. My sister helped me find her, and it is going to be different talking to someone new. I always hope that there will be a chemistry that makes it easy to disclose and talk to new professionals about me.

I hope to come from the initial assessment feeling better about seeking help. It’s something that is hard for me to do, ask for help that is. I have always said that I don’t like to burden anyone with my issues, but I always try to embrace psychotherapy to feel more like myself. I will let you all know how it goes.

The only bad thing happening today is that I woke up in pain. I never sleep on my stomach unless I am having night terrors, and I must have had them after I went into deep sleep. Sometimes I remember, and there are other times I don’t recall anything from sleep…good or bad. My body does feel like it went to war with something though. I am pushing through it.

My living situation has gotten better because I decided to communicate. I realize it is hard to live with someone that has my behaviors because of my mental illness. I hope to continue to feel better and move forward.

I will post more about my session when I get done. It’s in 45 minutes, so wish me luck!

xoxo, E.M.

Me vs Me

Heavy breath from my lips
Used to be light and fluffy
My thoughts now so radioactive
Toxic to my well-being
A tide of events breaks my heart
Into pieces of what used to be me
My anxiety is a man-eater, except I’m female
Raging with it’s own hormones and darkness
It’s ludicrious how much I live there
Inside of myself, hating this version
Of who I have become from who I was
This person a malapert edition of failure
I straddle my emotions like a horse
Trying to guide my essence, but being overcome
I need to find out who I am again…

xoxo, E.M.

This is my submission for the word challenges from Daily Spur, Fandango, Ragtag, My Vivid Blog, Word of the Day Challenge, and Your Daily Word Prompt.

Waking Up: Life with E.M.

From the time I wake up, I struggle with even wanting to get out of bed. The problem is that I really want my first cigarette of the day, but my body wants to stay in bed to avoid what is waiting outside. I do it though. I rise up and throw my comfortable covers to the side and allow myself to take the steps needed to go smoke. Then I play a few games on my phone, and then I write down all of my feelings from the time I wake up.

I have a legal pad that I doodle my thoughts upon. I never really read them until I feel like I can do something with them though. I use them when I need to heal and express. This week I have wrote more on paper than I have written on my blog, but sometimes I feel like, “Who wants to read sadness all of the time?” There is so much sadness and feeling pity for my situation.

Mental illness is terrible. I think I would much rather have the flu because you can recover from it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find my version of happy or feel free of my own insecurities and inner suffering. The thoughts inside of my head are crucial, and they really mess me up. I am a human sponge when it comes to people around me, and I feel everything. I try to ground myself to not feel their energy, but when everyone is mad at you all of the time for speaking your own truth…it’s heartbreaking.

I wish I could just shut of my empath skills, like for real. I am sick of feeling everyone’s disdain for their own lives that they project onto mine. I am tired of not being able to tell people when they upset me or disrespect me. I keep my mouth shut 9 times out of 10 because I hate confrontation and anger. I put on my smile, forget that they just hurt me, and move on with life because I am the only one around this house that is not entitled to have feelings or speak out when someone has made me feel a certain way.

I hate that I feel stuck and feel conflicted on what to do. I am tired of fighting to belong somewhere. I have struggled with that my entire life…never fitting in. I have always been different and seen the world different than other people. I think it has some aspects to do with having a few blessings of abilities, and the other part of it is that I am not an evil person. I wish I could treat people like they treat me and talk to me.

Honestly, I have to wake up and keep going because my pain gives me power, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse to let people continue to break me. It’s time to get help. It was the worst day today, so it can only go up from here… right?

xoxo, E.M.

Friday Finally…Story Time

It’s been a rough couple of weeks, but I think I am back. I have been productive around getting ready for the move, which is now delayed until we can find someone reliable to move us.

I had spent a lot of time packing up my closet and my plethora of clothes, along with getting ready for the rummage sale to get rid of stuff I don’t want. Then I get all of that done to find out that the “friend” that was going to move me and my daughter back to Arkansas had planned to leave me at a gas station in the middle of nowhere and take all of our stuff. I am thankful for the good friend that warned us that this guy was planning to rob us of everything we own. If not, who know what would have happened to me…but needless to say, the thought threw me into complete anxiety and panic attacks for a few days.

Like who does that? How does the thought of doing that to someone even cross someone’s mind when you literally tell them that the move is saving your life? There are some really bad people in this world, and I almost had to spend 4+ days with one. Thank God for good friends…if not for them, I would have lost everything and maybe my life.

So, with that said, I will be writing today for sure to heal from the issues that have been going on, and I have missed you all! I’m back at it again. I may do some late post on some challenges that I wanted to embark upon during the week. Anxiety is a bitch…

xoxo, E.M.

Checking In

The past week has really took a toll on me, physically and mentally…hence why I have not done any challenges. I keep packing up my life into boxes, and I’m so scared. Much of the time, I feel like I am a problem for everyone around me…part of the mental sickness I suppose. I have kind of vegged out at night on shows and tried to be productive during the day. That has a price though…with a torn labrum and a plate and 4 screws in my neck. Now, I am having trouble standing on my right heel or walking on it because of pain in my heel bone and down my foot. The tile floors are really hard, and I don’t know if I have a spur or something on the bone. I barely wear shoes unless I am going somewhere.

Anyway…I am still alive and kickin’…I am just having some rough days. Dark days…the days I hate and try to avoid. I am manic and triggered too easily. I may write some more tonight or in the morning. I just need to think.

Fandango’s Provocative Question #137 from E.M.

This week, Fandango’s Provocative Question, is asking:

Have you ever been to a clothing-optional (nude) venue, such as a beach, resort, club, party, etc? If so, what did you think of the experience? Would you do it again? If not, would you ever consider going to a clothing-optional gathering? Why or why not?

My Answer:

I have never been to a venue where clothing is optional, but I do not know that I would ever feel comfortable going to such a venue due to my own viewpoints about myself. My self-esteem is not strong enough to strut across a beach or sit at a table naked and feel normal. I would find myself worrying about everyone else judging me because that is how my life has been my entire life. “You need a diet” or “Putting on a few extra pounds there, eh?” Those are the normal things I grew up with. My dad was very body conscious and never was out of shape. When I started putting on pounds, he began being critical of me. I still feel the effects.

Torn Inside Out

Since, I didn’t get much time yesterday to write and release, I will be using the words from September 27th (yesterday) and today to let all of this pain out of my heart. Hopefully all the words together will release some pain and provide something interesting to read for all of you. These inspirations, the challenges, give me a way to heal inside to carry on my day. They trigger my creativity instead of my mental illness. Thank you to all of you that contribute to me feeling better each and every single day.

The word challenges for Monday were shoot from the Daily Spur, inebriated from Fandango, bluff from Ragtag, and adjustment from WOTD via Kristian.

Today’s word challenges are bitter from the Daily Spur, novice from Fandango, escape from Ragtag, and bittersweet from WOTD via Melanie B Cee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day for me to escape has come abruptly
No warning, but I saw it coming
Moving west to middle, an adjustment
There will be nobody calling my bluff

I’m sad, happy, scared, and bitter
All things come with a price
My heart will be inebriated with fear
Until all comes together in peace

Like a novice endeavoring into a new career
I am an expert and returned from where I ran
I will shoot my shot to try again
In a place I never believed I would ever go back

I prayed for peace and a place of home
Bittersweet the place I will land
Wish me luck soon, as I’ll be on my way
My heart’s torn inside out to leave

xoxo, E.M.

E.M.’s Three Things Challenge #2

Today has been a day, so I am a bit late posting than usual. This is my submission for the Three Things Challenge sponsored by Pensitivity101.

The company around me, I had no actual say
I was dropped off like garbage, could not speak a peep

My cheeks grow more flush each day
From anxiety that only makes me sleep

My stamina down the drain, or toilet if you wish
My health is swirling, spiraling like the tornadic thoughts

My body aches constant, and my stomach sounds devilish
My heart races and my struggling heartbeat trots

xoxo, E.M.