E.M.’s Sunday Ramble Prompt #1

I decided to start my own weekly prompt for us to ramble about. The Sunday Ramble will be based upon a certain topic. I will ask five questions about that topic, and you can ramble on however you wish.

Image Credit: Dribbble

This week’s topic is “would you rather...”

Here are the questions:

1. Would you rather be alone or be in a large group of people?
2. Would you rather live on the beach or live in the mountains?
3. Would you rather tell people how you feel or keep your feelings to yourself?
4. Would you rather be filthy rich or just live comfortably?
5. Would you rather watch a new movie at home or at the theatre?

Once you have answered all of the questions, be sure to tag it with #EM-SRP and create a pingback to this post.

Please visit your fellow bloggers to see their rambles. It’s a nice way to get to know them *smiles*

Here are my answers:

1. Would you rather be alone or be in a large group of people?
   
   Most times, I like spending time alone. Big groups of people make me anxious because of my social anxiety. There are times that I am an absolute hermit.
   
2. Would you rather live on the beach or live in the mountains?
   
   Definitely the beach! I don’t like snow, and I love the ocean.
   
3. Would you rather tell people how you feel or keep your feelings to yourself?
   
   I would rather tell people how I feel, but sometimes it’s easier to keep things to myself. Sometimes my feelings impede on the feelings of others, so I try to be respectful of that.
   
4. Would you rather be filthy rich or just live comfortably?
   
   I would just like to live comfortably. I have been broke most of my life, so it would be nice to just be able to have my own things and get things I want without the poverty aspect.
   
5. Would you rather watch a new movie at home or at the theatre?
   
   I love going to the theatre. It’s something about the smell of popcorn and the big screen that makes a movie much more fun when you first see it.

I look forward to seeing your responses!

xoxo, E.M.

A Meadow of Stones – #writephoto

Stones – Image by KL Caley

I cast the first stone into my own life

To pave my own way into the light from the darkness.

I breathe in my being and essence in the clearing

Of this meadow full of stones to cast in my path.

The beauty in the distances brings me back to life

And it is then that I see the clarity of who I am.

Who will I be? How will I find my way?

This path will lead me to greatness.

I promise…

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The was written for the #writephoto challenge by KL Caley.

Mental Health – One-Liner Wednesday 11/3/21

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This post is for Linda Hill’s One-Liner Wednesday.

What I Am Thankful For

This is my first time doing this Ten Things of Thankful (TToT) prompt, and I think I will do it on a weekly basis to keep my mind positive. It’s amazing all of the ways that I find to heal myself through this blog, and with that said, let’s begin my list. They are in no particular order, and they are just the first things that come up when I think of thankfulness.

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I am thankful for the following:

• My Children – they are so strong, and they make me proud each and every day.
• My Grandbaby – she is the smartest, sweetest, craziest little person that I am blessed to be around.
• My Blog – it helps me heal my inner demons and darkness.
• My Followers – your feedback makes me a better writer and person.
• The Creators – I never thought I would find so many good people through growing my blog and participating in challenges. You guys rock!
• The Roof Above – Yes, I am thankful to have this roof hanging about my head. I have been without one before, and this roof is a good roof to have.
• Basic Needs – everyone needs them, and I am thankful to have a warm shower, food in my mouth, and a bed to lay my head.
• My Dreams – they make me who I am and who I will strive to be.
• My Past – it taught me who I do not want to be or become in my life, and it has showed me my strength. You sometimes have to look back in order to go forward.
• My Mental Health – it makes me who I am also. I spent a lot of time hating who I am and what I am because of having problems with my mental health. To be honest, it makes me pretty unique, and even in the darkness of it’s grips, I am now finding light.

xoxo, E.M.

2010 – Story Starter #16

Fandango has a weekly Story Starter to get us writing some new goodies on our blogs, and it’s a great way to get a story started and be inspired to write.

This week’s Story Starter teaser is:

It was in the spring of 2010 when I first realized that I could…

free myself from the grips of a man who will never like me, let alone love me. I had thought in the beginning that he was the perfect one for me, but I could not have been more wrong. He was toxic, and I knew I needed to get away from his narcissisms. A chance came about where he went to jail for not paying his child support, and I made the attempt to keep him away. One of my friends drove all the way from Michigan to come and help me out. He had left me financially broken, which was not something that was new. I never had my own money, only his. That’s another way of many that he controlled me, with money. The other ways were with cars and forcing me to take drugs.

I had many different vehicles that he sold or trashed that belonged to me only for short moments. When he bought a vehicle for himself, it would be a manual transmission, since he knew I could not drive a stick. It required too much coordination, and I was not a fan of shifting gears. I was more of a put it into gear and go kind of girl. This disadvantage of mine, he used to his advantage to keep me home like a hermit. My only refuge away from the loneliness was my online gaming and social media. That wasn’t so bad, I guess. I got to interact with people who I found to be decent people, but I just had a small group of friends that could never save me from my solitude. It was what it was, but I knew I needed to get away or push him out.

As if the control with money and cars wasn’t enough, he then started bringing home drugs and telling me I was so fat that I needed to do them. When you are under control of another person, the manipulation of your mental health is easy, so I complied due to my self-hate that I already had about myself. He used my own issues with myself against me, and I did what he said. He brought home meth, and I either snorted it or smoked it. It would keep me up for days though, which was almost a good side effect to the drugs. I’m not proud of the fact that I did not have the willpower to not do them, but they saved me from a lot of sexual abuse while sleeping. If I wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t get at me like he normally did. I embraced that fact about the meth. It saved me a little bit from more abuse.

When he got put in jail, everything was a little less heavy, and I went to visit him to tell him that he was not allowed to come home. At this time, we were not legally married, and I owned the house and land that we lived on. My mom gave it to me in an attempt to keep me from ever being homeless. My friend, who we will just call T.G., helped me with a few bills and finding my love of coffee. He showed me another world. Sadly, it was short-lived because I was scared of my ex, and I didn’t want T.G. to get hurt or for me to get hurt either. I sent him away and took the loser back when he got out of jail. I was too scared. I failed at this attempt to leave him or push him out.

There would be three other attempts, with third time being a charm, to get away from him. That is how I ended up in California. He moved onto the next victim. I still feel like I failed at escaping him sometimes because he got rid of me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found myself here.

If you have ever been in this situation or are in a situation like this, get out! There are many resources to help you, and I never knew about them. There are shelters that hide you from your abuser, and there are people that will help you get free. Don’t let them abuse you like I did. You may fail the first attempt at freedom, but keep trying until you succeed.

xoxo, E.M.

What I Am Doing Today

Today has been a decent day, and it’s nice to have one of those once in a while. There is a bit of anxiety, but it’s not the bad kind because I will be seeing a new therapist/psychiatrist today. I believe she is a nurse practitioner for psychiatry. My sister helped me find her, and it is going to be different talking to someone new. I always hope that there will be a chemistry that makes it easy to disclose and talk to new professionals about me.

I hope to come from the initial assessment feeling better about seeking help. It’s something that is hard for me to do, ask for help that is. I have always said that I don’t like to burden anyone with my issues, but I always try to embrace psychotherapy to feel more like myself. I will let you all know how it goes.

The only bad thing happening today is that I woke up in pain. I never sleep on my stomach unless I am having night terrors, and I must have had them after I went into deep sleep. Sometimes I remember, and there are other times I don’t recall anything from sleep…good or bad. My body does feel like it went to war with something though. I am pushing through it.

My living situation has gotten better because I decided to communicate. I realize it is hard to live with someone that has my behaviors because of my mental illness. I hope to continue to feel better and move forward.

I will post more about my session when I get done. It’s in 45 minutes, so wish me luck!

xoxo, E.M.

Share Your World – E.M. Style – 10/11/2021 Prompt

Melanie B. Cee hosts a prompt of questions that allows us to share how we see the world according to the questions. This is my first share on this prompt *smiles*. Here are my Share Your World answers:

What is the scariest game (board or on-line) you ever may have played?

I have a couple scary games, one board and one online). The first one is not a game but some treat it as such, and that “game” is Ouija. When I was a young girl, me and my best friend, Janet, dabbled around with one, and it almost ruined both of our lives. There is nothing good behind the Ouija. The second game is online and called Dead By Daylight. If you have never played it, serial killers hunt you are you become the hunter. The goal is to start the generators to open the door to escape before the killer gets you and hangs you on a meat hook.

What’s just ‘over the rainbow” for you?

I wish I knew. There’s not many rainbows in the Valley because it hardly rains. If I had to guess, there would be little men with pitchforks awaiting my arrival lol.

Do you have to watch something upbeat after watching a suspense or horror movie so you can go to sleep?

I cannot watch horror movies at all. It does not matter the time of day I watch them…always end up with night terrors if I watch something scary.

Is there intent behind every action?

Usually, yes. Everybody wants something in return…unfortunately.

GRATITUDE SECTION  (as always, optional)

I am thankful for having so many fellow bloggers that read and interact with my posts, and I am thankful that I am not alone because of all of you.

Me vs Me

Heavy breath from my lips
Used to be light and fluffy
My thoughts now so radioactive
Toxic to my well-being
A tide of events breaks my heart
Into pieces of what used to be me
My anxiety is a man-eater, except I’m female
Raging with it’s own hormones and darkness
It’s ludicrious how much I live there
Inside of myself, hating this version
Of who I have become from who I was
This person a malapert edition of failure
I straddle my emotions like a horse
Trying to guide my essence, but being overcome
I need to find out who I am again…

xoxo, E.M.

This is my submission for the word challenges from Daily Spur, Fandango, Ragtag, My Vivid Blog, Word of the Day Challenge, and Your Daily Word Prompt.

Voices: E.M.’s First Sestina

I got a little preoccupied trying a new style of poetry, so I have not posted since Friday. One of my fellow writers, revivedwriter, did a Sestina, and it was so cool that I wanted to try it myself. It’s a very difficult poetry style, and it really challenged me. With that said, I am using the word challenges from October 1st and October 2nd to write the Sestina.

The word challenges for October 1 & 2 were as follows:

• brief and sick by Daily Spur
• extreme and figment by Fandango
• still and wave from Ragtag
• ghoul and blame from Word of the Day Challenge
• respect and tight from My Vivid Blog
• declivity and intrinsic from Your Daily Word Prompt

Now, let’s continue with Voices…

Brief moments of peace, I yearn to have some quiet
Every feeling inside of me, so raw and extreme
I sit still, listening to an empty room become loud
With the voices jabbering inside of my head
My footsteps are like those of a ghoul sneaking by me
These walls hold my pain, my declivity, and my soul

The fear I am sick with consumes my aching soul
Change has me on eggshells, “be very quiet!”
The figment in my imagination, the pain eats at me
All of my senses intensified, it’s to an extreme
My failure rings out like a bell inside of my head
As I cannot quiet my suffering that screams loud

Respect for my situation is truth, but still I cry loud
As the wave of blame falls upon my tired soul
I carry everything…so heavy…on my shoulders and head
No tight hugs to hold me when the darkness becomes quiet
A rarity is the one good feeling, all it takes to heal me

A plethora of emotions come close and swallow me
The feeling of drowning when the voices get too loud
Out of control thoughts, no longer mild, only extreme
They are picking and tearing into this old tired soul
Stop! Why can you not be quiet?
This is too much…get out of my head!

My nerves are dancing and standing intrinsic to my head
As they feel of life, the decay of my essence threatens me
They refuse to sit down, dancing about and not quiet
The more I kick and scream, the dancing is getting so loud
This illness is sickening and overwhelming everything about me
Do you hear me? I am yelling at you with my voice loud!
Only to find out I am not loud at all…It’s quiet.

xoxo, E.M.

Long story, short…

I’ve been packing today and trying to find everything I need, including every document to start a new life yet again. My hand has been upon my forehead in distress several times today, but we got a vast amount of work completed for the move, my daughter and I. We are very much alike and share many genetic and personality similarities, except my hoarding. I keep little, primordial things that date back to before the kids were born, and I get agitated if I lose my things. I have lost so much that the little things mean the most…

Did I mention that I hate moving more than laundry or dishes? LOL

I hope you enjoy my short story of my day using all of my word challenges *smiles*

xoxo, E.M.