My Version of Crazy

My mind races to a million or more negative places, it seems

I am the queen of my own torture, as I cannot stop the thoughts…

“Maybe everyone would prosper if I did not exist”

Then the worry comes…

Of who will love my children, my dogs, my little unnecessary stuff that surrounds me…

Who will I hurt?

Who will I bring to my level of despair with my selfish undertaking?

A conundrum of thoughts race around my brain like a hummingbird’s wings flap.

I’m screaming inside and quiet on the out…fake smiles filling my tired face.

I promise myself things will improve…get better…appease myself…

Rarely happens

Pain keeps stacking on my shoulder like a game of Jenga…weighing and unstable…

When will the tower fall atop of me, I wonder?

Who will pull the detrimental piece of the mental block inside my brain that causes me to fall?

I hope I never find out…

Beautiful?

Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.

Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.

The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.

For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.

Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.

She’s Just A Girl

She sits here worrying and contemplating her life, and she doesn’t know which path she should take.  There are good choices and bad ones along her way.  Just like everyone else, she has to make those hard choices.  It just feels too heavy and labored to find a way to be happy.  All she really does is make herself more miserable with each decision she makes.  Everyone wants her to be strong and carry herself to her destination, but, honestly, she’s just a girl.

She doesn’t have all the answers to the mysteries of this world, and she doesn’t always make the right choices.  Her struggles are just as real as his or hers or you or yours.  Each of those struggles drags her down and breaks her.  Each time she breaks, she tries to cope with the bits of herself that she has lost, not knowing if she will ever be able to get those pieces back or repair herself.  Her mind is a mess, and her heart has turned stone cold.  She cannot do everything for everyone anymore because she’s just a girl.

The reason she is just a girl is that she doesn’t know how to do or be anything or anyone else.  This is all she has ever been, and it is probably all she ever will be.  Broken.  Incapable of giving or receiving love.  Lost.  Forsaken.  She just cannot find her way back to the path that will lead her to the destination that she has always dreamed of.  Her struggle is real, and she hopes she can make it through all of the pain of this life.

Afterall, she is just this average girl with average struggles and immense pain.

 

Goodnight

Goodnight dear friends
It’s time I took my rest
My eyes have grown weary
As the day was quite long
And morn comes around quite early

Tomorrow a new day shall start
With more rhymes and ramblings
New friends to discover
New topics to read
Farewell for now…off to sleep