It’s a festival of smiles and of tears
When the smiles come less often
Wet eyes fill and explode with emotion
Then come the days of enjoyment
Less often, but on occasion they appear
Raised outer lips turned up in happiness
Like the music and gathering of the festival
They come and go as they please
My soul convivial when the tears leave
My essence gregarious when comes the grins
It’s my festival of emotion nonetheless
That makes me a celebration in my own sense
If I could only control the tears throughout the years
My mind races to a million or more negative places, it seems
I am the queen of my own torture, as I cannot stop the thoughts…
“Maybe everyone would prosper if I did not exist”
Then the worry comes…
Of who will love my children, my dogs, my little unnecessary stuff that surrounds me…
Who will I hurt?
Who will I bring to my level of despair with my selfish undertaking?
A conundrum of thoughts race around my brain like a hummingbird’s wings flap.
I’m screaming inside and quiet on the out…fake smiles filling my tired face.
I promise myself things will improve…get better…appease myself…
Pain keeps stacking on my shoulder like a game of Jenga…weighing and unstable…
When will the tower fall atop of me, I wonder?
Who will pull the detrimental piece of the mental block inside my brain that causes me to fall?
I hope I never find out…
Knackered and sprawled out across my bed, I weep
All these aches and pains are making me weak
My muscles feel weary and my tendons tight
My body full of insomnia and keeping me up all night
Tears upon my pillow and blankets cast aside
Tossing and turning and flopping like an ocean’s tide
My neck feels kinked and my shoulder is stressed
Should I give up and just go get dressed?
I’ll try once more to attend to my slumber
But I believe the sheep I’m counting have my number
Struggling to find comfort in my sleigh of sleep
Finally, it’s over! Now don’t make a peep!
I sat there staring at the blanket of flowers
Laying upon my father’s grayish, silver casket
Roses, carnation, and tiny baby’s breath
The greenery accenting their beauty
It was closed.
I couldn’t see him.
Are you in there, Dad?
All I can see are the flowers.
A blanket of them keeping you safe.
The preacher’s words flew through me
Bringing tears to my eyes as he spoke
Still, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the box
Covered with a spray of beauty
Thinking this was still all a big mistake.
It wasn’t though.
You are really gone.
I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.
Watch now as the words come to me in rhymes
You’re my inspiration from deep inside.
You cover me with your love.
Your words guide me and lead me here.
Your my blanket of flowers keeping me safe.