This week, Fandango’s Provocative Question asks:
Do you agree that human suffering can be beneficial and that suffering is a necessary part of the human condition? Why or why not?
My answer is this:
Whether I agree or agree to disagree, suffering should not be necessary to live life. I do not believe that every human suffers, but I do believe that good humans suffer more than most. Some people have it easier than others, and as a person who normally suffers through every second of living, I wish it was different for me. I don’t think suffering has helped me do better or learn more. I don’t think that it has made me more determined or productive. If anything, it has set me back more times than I can count on my hands and toes. It’s made me not trust and to hold back feelings, and it has caused me to question life on a continual basis. While I am having better days, the suffering is where I go to when I feel broken, and I don’t like it there.
It’s like that saying, “God does not give a person more than they can handle”. I call BS on that…He’s handed me way too much and way too many times to the point that I have a hard time with having faith that things can or will get better. Breathing and living should not be this hard. Suffering should never be necessary.
My mind races to a million or more negative places, it seems
I am the queen of my own torture, as I cannot stop the thoughts…
“Maybe everyone would prosper if I did not exist”
Then the worry comes…
Of who will love my children, my dogs, my little unnecessary stuff that surrounds me…
Who will I hurt?
Who will I bring to my level of despair with my selfish undertaking?
A conundrum of thoughts race around my brain like a hummingbird’s wings flap.
I’m screaming inside and quiet on the out…fake smiles filling my tired face.
I promise myself things will improve…get better…appease myself…
Pain keeps stacking on my shoulder like a game of Jenga…weighing and unstable…
When will the tower fall atop of me, I wonder?
Who will pull the detrimental piece of the mental block inside my brain that causes me to fall?
I hope I never find out…
Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.
Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.
The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.
For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.
Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.
Like a broken puzzle in my head
It hurts with pounding fury
Trailing down my neck to despair
Tightening my muscles
Snapping at my tendons like a rubber band
Boom Boom Boom!
This feeling inside my skull
Beating me and defeating me
Why doesn’t it just go away?
Hours of agony
Counting the minutes of anguish
My eyes have joined the party of pain
The light hurts…make it dim!
Loud noises make me cringe
Time to fight back
You won’t get the best of me today
Migraine! Leave my brain!