California Vibe

I will always say that I was born to live here…in California. I have lived many places and a few states, but I have never loved a place as much as I do in this one. It will be sad to leave the ocean, and I am leaving behind the love of my life. Sacrifices…I am always the one that sacrifices for the sake of sanity. I will miss him and the sound of the ocean, along with many other things. Things that make my soul feel pure…like walking to the sounds of the city in Oakland and the peaceful ride on the train up there. I will miss my toes in the sand, and the cold waters of the Pacific smacking me while I play with the waves. I will miss the opportunities to help people and share my voice to create change, since Arkansas is not as diverse as California…at all. I will miss the comfort of feeling a sense of fitting in. I was born to be in California, and I really hope to make it my final destination on my path of growth along the way. I’ll be back!

xoxo, E.M.

My Version of Crazy

My mind races to a million or more negative places, it seems

I am the queen of my own torture, as I cannot stop the thoughts…

“Maybe everyone would prosper if I did not exist”

Then the worry comes…

Of who will love my children, my dogs, my little unnecessary stuff that surrounds me…

Who will I hurt?

Who will I bring to my level of despair with my selfish undertaking?

A conundrum of thoughts race around my brain like a hummingbird’s wings flap.

I’m screaming inside and quiet on the out…fake smiles filling my tired face.

I promise myself things will improve…get better…appease myself…

Rarely happens

Pain keeps stacking on my shoulder like a game of Jenga…weighing and unstable…

When will the tower fall atop of me, I wonder?

Who will pull the detrimental piece of the mental block inside my brain that causes me to fall?

I hope I never find out…

Despair…

From the time I wake up and until I lay down again and again and again

I feel lost

I feel sad

I feel unmovitavated

I feel alone

I feel betrayed

I feel hopeless

I feel worry

I am in despair.

I wake up again to more triggers and more backstabbing

A repeated cycle of feelings above…and despair

I’m tired

I’m suffering

I’m struggling to breath

I fall victim to myself

I give up

I go back to bed

I cry myself to sleep…

And repeat.

This cannot keep going on.

Beautiful?

Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.

Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.

The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.

For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.

Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.