E.M.’s World: Share Your World Answers 10/18/21

Are you easily frightened or startled?

I am absolutely the easiest person to frighten or startle. It has not always been that way. I used to love scary things and watching a good horror/thriller flick on television. Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. The problem is that now when I watch scary movies that I have night terrors, and I get startled easy, even around the people I live with. If someone is walking through the house when I am not expecting it, it makes me jump and even scream out sometimes. I am not sure when I got so fearful or when the night terrors started or why, but it probably has a little to do with my PTSD and anxiety. It really got bad when I watched The Grudge. My family pokes a little fun at how much I get scared of dolls, clowns, and zombies. At least everyone can get a bit of amusement on my “scary” factor in my personality lol.

(Purely whimsical supposition.  Suspend disbelief for a bit)
If you were a ghost, what location do you think you would haunt? Is it the same or different from the location you’d want
 to haunt?

If I were a ghost, I would probably be stuck in this backyard at my house, but when it comes to where I would haunt, that location is different. I would want to haunt my ex-husband’s house and give back some of the torment and mental problems he gave me. In the first situation, I would not be a malevolent ghost, but in the second situation I would definitely be a bad ghost lol.

What do you see in your mind’s eye when you close your eyes?  (I know somebody will answer ‘the inside of my eyelids”, so I took the temptation away by answering that first!    Feel free to use that answer if you like though, or pass. It’s ALL good!)

My mind’s eye takes me places all the time. I call that “pictures in my head”, and it is one of the strongest side effects of my mental illness. I will see little movies of me and the people around me, places, people I have no idea who they are, and animals interacting with me. It’s not a bad side effect, but it happens mostly when I am awake. My mind’s eye is pretty calm and quiet usually, but it has caused a few bad visions.

If a Semi (Big Rig in Americanese) (lorry or trolley over the pond) were about to smash into a crowd, and you could divert the vehicle’s course to hit only one person, would you?  How would you decide who would become the victim?

LOL! This question made me giggle because I would always have a semi head right toward my ex-husband due to all of the pain he caused me and my children. He was a terrible person, and he still is. I don’t believe I would even shed a tear.


GRATITUDE SECTION

Please feel free to share what makes you feel warm and cozy when the wind blows cold? Alternatively (for those on the other side of the world), what makes you feel relaxed and comfortable when the thermometer starts rising?

When the wind blows cold, I love a nice hot cup of coffee and a fuzzy blanket to feel warm and cozy while listening to one of my audio books on Audible and smoking a cigarette or two or three lol.


This post was written for Melanie’s Share Your World prompt. Click here to join in the fun!

My Stream of Consciousness – 10/16/2021 – A lot of “Ifs”

If only I had been stronger to fight the demons, my life would be different. However, she tells me that I am very strong to have been through so much and continue to stand strong and achieve my goals.

If I would have listened to my inner self, I could have saved my family many tears, pain, and sorrow.

If I would have lived my life better and made better choices, they would have never suffered from my failures.

If I look to the moon and stars, I can feel a connection with this amazing energy, but I waste it sometimes.

If he asked me to come back, I would let him.

If I was a little bit more brave, I would tell him how I really feel.

If I felt better, I would get more done.

If I would have started my life sooner, it would resolve so much regret.

If my physical pain would subside, my mental would feel less stressed.

If I look in the mirror, I sometimes do not like the face staring back at me.

If I achieve my dreams, I will feel star spangled inside of my soul for once.

If I would have noticed his behavior before marrying him, he would have never been able to swindle all of my stuff away from me, and I would have been able to be more productive financially.

If not for betrayal, I would have never been able to espy towards the type of person that I want to be. It’s a process daily, but it is in my sights.

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This was written for Linda’s Stream of Consciousness (SoCS) weekly prompt. I combined the word challenges in this as well since I am running behind today. It’s so many “ifs”, but there is room for improvement by looking at them and seeing what I need to be doing to fix myself.

Happy Saturday: Diagnosis

I was going to fill you all in when I got out of my session yesterday, but I think I was in a bit of shock. I got a new diagnosis, and it made more sense to me while still having a hard time accepting it.

I have Bipolar Disorder with manic depression and severe anxiety. I am not sure which type that is, but the Doctor A felt that it’s pretty severe.

We clicked well, and she was easy to talk to. She prescribed new meds, and I have to go get blood work done before she starts me on the bipolar meds. I’m always scared to take meds to feel normal, but I cannot keep feeling crazy either. My previous therapist had taught me some skills to help me when I spiral, but those stopped working for me.

I will definitely be writing more for prompts and challenges today, so some of my feelings will probably come out in those. It will be staggered though with errands and football games. I am quite the football junkie lol.

I hope you are all doing okay! Do you watch any football? How’s your day going so far?

xoxo, E.M.

Editing Myself

I figured I would tell everyone that I am trying to get a little bit more done on the story of Sebastian and Davina, but I am going back an changing a few errors in the time period that I want the setting to be. I want the cell phones to be the old blocky ones, so the car of Davina will have to change from a Prius to something else. Clearly, that model of Toyota was not present at the same time as blocky, pull-the-antenna type cell phones *laughs*.

I am also correcting some grammar and usage issues that are driving me insane as I read through. When I publish, I rarely go back and read what I write because I am very critical of myself. This is the first time that the story is actually falling together. I found some cool coincidences and built the setting and locations from that coincidence. I won’t let the cat out of the bag yet haha!

I need to find a title, so the names may change on the “Untitled (for now)” posts. I am always open to suggestions and would give credit where it was due, of course *smiles*.

How do you feel when you begin editing yourself? Are you like me and can sometimes scratch a whole poem or story because you’re not feeling it? This is the first one that I have really wanted to edit and make whole. Pretty cool!

It is the weekend, so I am trying to distract myself from the toxic ones. I will be very productive today and tomorrow lol. How’s your weekend going?

I Digress…

Ugh. Why am I up this early morning? Well…the toxic ones came home with their looks of hatred as I walked in from a cigarette outside. My answer was sleep.

I laid down before 4 pm my time, and I woke at 1:30 am. The drug cocktail put me out…like flipping the switch and shutting off all the power to an entire town.

I have quiet right now. I still don’t have peace. The boy is awake and walking about. I always know when it’s him. My younger dog, Marcellus, hates him and growls when he’s near. Sneaky. Flashlight on his phone creeping around like a bandit in the night…

Welcome to my Saturday *sighs*

How Do I See Me?

I am at it again…with my combined word challenges *giggles*

Todays words will be drop by Daily Spur, lethal by Ragtag Daily Prompt, boutique by Fandango’s One Word Challenge, and sparkling from Word of the Day via Kristian. I will be doing the Lannet poetry style today, which is a 14-line, 10 syllable count line, no-rhyming sonnet by made by Laura Lamarca. As always, be sure to go to these pages and show some love while challenging yourself to be creative!

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On days like these, opinions vary, strife
As much as I wish to see sparkling, happy, free
The mirror, at times, is my nemesis
My self-esteem towards my view is lethal
Like time is rushing fast, I see wrinkles
Curved around my lip like an hourglass
My teeth gone like yesterday’s terrible news

My body screams when I struggle into tight-fit jeans
My favorite ones from my favorite boutique, sighing strongly
I feel my head drop down in shame, affliction
Who was this girl who had gotten so round?
I choke, I cry, I fall to my knees, defeat
My power and esteem stuck in the past
How I miss the days of being blissful….

#Ragtag Daily Prompt

Cruise – WOTD

A word with several meanings

Some I will apply

Some people’s lives, cruise control

Mine is on overdrive

A wish for a calm Sunday

Morning, afternoon, and night

The forecast for me, uncertain

I’m still tip-toeing, like a little mouse

I make a wish, deep in my heart

For the money to come to my hands

To bring me to a fortunate place

Rather than where I reside

To take a trip out to sea

Cruise peacefully on

By each bay, day and night

Tranquility, that would surely be

It’s not in the cards, ya see, not yet

I pray and beg and barter and plea

To find a place of my own

I’m stuck here in my suffering

A cruise I could use, for real…

Being safe is not my right

Today’s word of the day for the Daily Spur by Nox is “safe”, which is appropriate for the lack of it I have had for a while now.

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A house is a home

I lost mine long ago

Wrong choices, always

Put me in complexity, chaos

Over and over again, I try

Try to find the home from past

That had me safe from harm

As my life fills will malignant surroundings

It seems more often than not

To fall victim to myself, I’ll admit

No excuses to be made or declared

Being safe has never been my right

It’s been struggle and strife

To feel secure, rest without worry

Close my eyes, is torture

Open my eyes, I see hate

It’s always been like this

My inner-self is not compatible

With normality, if that’s what compares

I’m different, flighty and quirky

I’m bold and outspoken, mostly

When not cowering to bullies, abusive people

I attract them, you know?

Bad people, narcissistic people

I become pray, appear weak

Lack of security is my price

Give too many chances

Hurt is always the end game

Towards me, a doormat of abuse

A portal of toxic attraction

Hit more times than I can count

Called more names than I would repeat

In this house, that house

All but my own…and lost that to

Adulterous, abusive husband

Almost 14 years, walked away

Tossed like garbage to nonsense

More abuse, chaos, names, and narcissisms

It’s always blood that burns you

It’s always bad choices by me

It’s always unsafe, scary, triggering

I keep losing myself, truly

Because the feeling of safe

Is not my right…

Or so it seems at year 45

It’s my own fault…

I was wired wrong, broken

From day one, I did not grow

Spoiled at youth, I did not learn

I discarded any guidance

I rebelled to the highest capacity

And now I’m here…unsafe.

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There is so much missing from this story, but I really could write a book about my life. I have not had safety since living with my grandma, and when she passed, all of my safety was stolen from me by family. I got it back for a while. I owned my own land and home, and I had to walk away to save myself, my children, and my sanity. California was supposed to be my big move to start a new life, and I ended up being controlled and abused from about month 4 of being here. I have been here since December of 2017, when my now ex-husband dumped me out here like yesterday’s garbage. My life became her (my sister’s) life to control, which this is a sister I shared a room and grew up with as a child. Abusive to me then, and she has still not changed. I admit I am not easy to share space with, but it’s because I am grown and have my own demons I fight daily. I did not move her for her to mother, boss, and go back to the girl that used to beat me in the back for not letting her talk to her boyfriend when he called on the landline when I was just little…under 16 years old. My grandma saved me that day…she was always my savior. She loved us both though, and she never took sides. She did protect me from her and my mother though…but that is a whole new story. More to come, my friends and followers….

xoxo E.M.