I had to go back to my archive of poetry from my old blog to find something to share for today’s Flashback Friday prompt from Fandango. I did not have a post for the exact date of today, but I did have one for the date of 6/12/2016. It made me remember how long my darkness and unhappiness ruled my life, but that is not a bad thing. It makes me look forward, and forward has what I want and love in it.
Painful Love Lost
The battle fighting within me
breaks me from the inside out
as I see your faces as I remember you all
loving me the way you used to.
The tears I cry in my dreams are real
the memories like yesterday but today
but I cannot cry them when awake
for they make me feel weak and afraid.
I gave you so much of myself
that sometimes I have not much left
to share with others or even to sustain life
because you were my life, and you’re gone.
I try not to think of you most times
thinking the pain will just fade away
but this kind of pain sits in your gut
and it fights you and rips you apart.
Maybe that will make you feel better
knowing that I’m never going to be okay
but even still you should know
I love you all until the last breath leaves my lungs.
I was born to love you.
© E.M. Kingston 6/12/2016
In 2013, I was injured while working as an attendant at a gas station. I always make the joke that I was disabled by a 30-pack of beer, but it’s not really that big of a joke. I’ve had to return to the doctor again after having surgery on both my neck and shoulder from a customer not moving a 30-pack of beer within my reach to scan it during checkout. Apparently, the way that my finger grabbed it, dislocated my shoulder and tore my labrum inside of my shoulder. That one painful sensation in one night’s time from one customer’s laziness has led me to two major surgeries in 2016, five (going on six MRIs), and a great deal of pain and suffering.
So, here it is 2021, and I am still having problems with both my neck and shoulder. So, I made an appointment, and I went to see that doctor today. He’s a spine doctor. He’s kind of a jerk, but my last spine doctor was an asshole too…maybe that’s what makes them the best. Who knows? He ordered an MRI of my cervical spine, and I will have to schedule that when they call me. He also prescribed Lyrica to help with the nerve pain at night to allow me to sleep better. I have tried Gabapentin before, and it made me feel the bone-on-bone pain in my shoulder. Wish me luck on that…I will pick it up tomorrow.
I am about to write some more on the novel and on the challenges. I have a few to get done. I am running late today due to this appointment from earlier. Have a great rest of your day or night everyone! Thanks for reading!
My mind races to a million or more negative places, it seems
I am the queen of my own torture, as I cannot stop the thoughts…
“Maybe everyone would prosper if I did not exist”
Then the worry comes…
Of who will love my children, my dogs, my little unnecessary stuff that surrounds me…
Who will I hurt?
Who will I bring to my level of despair with my selfish undertaking?
A conundrum of thoughts race around my brain like a hummingbird’s wings flap.
I’m screaming inside and quiet on the out…fake smiles filling my tired face.
I promise myself things will improve…get better…appease myself…
Pain keeps stacking on my shoulder like a game of Jenga…weighing and unstable…
When will the tower fall atop of me, I wonder?
Who will pull the detrimental piece of the mental block inside my brain that causes me to fall?
I hope I never find out…
I don’t remember the day that I knew it was over.
I do remember the pain leaving my heart like lightning.
My aching shoulders felt lighter than a leaf falling from the tree. I felt free.
After I carried too much for too long, I could breathe without angering him anymore.
I could be me without consequences.
I had back the power that I gifted to him.
I took back my heart to heal it from so many tears. Unnecessary tears from unnecessary pain because the pain inflicted upon me was not my own.
It was his, and now my pain is only mine to heal.
The fear inside screaming out loud
You find yourself in the middle of pain
Looking for that tiny little shroud
Of hope…keeping you steady and sane
Torn up… on the deep of your insides
Causing your heart to feel panicked
Your mind going on roller coaster rides
You find yourself feeling quite manic
Struggling…not able to breathe in and out
The pressure on your shoulders hold you down
Teetering on what is real or what it’s all about
You feel like your under…ready to drown
via Daily Prompt: Panicked
Knackered and sprawled out across my bed, I weep
All these aches and pains are making me weak
My muscles feel weary and my tendons tight
My body full of insomnia and keeping me up all night
Tears upon my pillow and blankets cast aside
Tossing and turning and flopping like an ocean’s tide
My neck feels kinked and my shoulder is stressed
Should I give up and just go get dressed?
I’ll try once more to attend to my slumber
But I believe the sheep I’m counting have my number
Struggling to find comfort in my sleigh of sleep
Finally, it’s over! Now don’t make a peep!
Like a broken puzzle in my head
It hurts with pounding fury
Trailing down my neck to despair
Tightening my muscles
Snapping at my tendons like a rubber band
Boom Boom Boom!
This feeling inside my skull
Beating me and defeating me
Why doesn’t it just go away?
Hours of agony
Counting the minutes of anguish
My eyes have joined the party of pain
The light hurts…make it dim!
Loud noises make me cringe
Time to fight back
You won’t get the best of me today
Migraine! Leave my brain!