Flashback Friday – Grounded Happily

This post was originally published on October 29,2020. I am sharing it again for Fandango’s Flashback Friday. I remember this day very well. It was a good day and clarified my standing with myself. I lost it again somewhere between then and now, but I am slowly coming back up.

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It’s funny how time changes when you are alone.

Sometimes it flows slower because you are not racing to make anyone else happy anymore.

You can take a moment to breathe in a deep breath, and that breath revives your inner-self and soul.

It feels so good that even your bones feel free of release from pain, stress, worry, and anxiety.

You feel loose rather than the tightness of glue on your skin.

Alone feels like freedom when you allow yourself to feel truly in your own skin and space that belongs only to you.

You feel grounded.

Your soul regroups.

Then you’re able to feel surrounded by yourself and feel like you’re not alone anymore. 

© E.M. Kingston 2020

E.M.’s First #SoCS

This is my first Stream of Consciousness. I think I have an easy time rambling, so let’s see how this goes about near/far. You can find the rules for posting on Linda Hill’s blog. Be sure to check them out before you start the challenge. I am excited to try this challenge.

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Before moving to California, I had not been around my sister for many years. She lived in California, and I lived in Arkansas. It was quite a far distance between us physically, but we had a close relationship and would talk often. When I moved near her, in this same house, it was good at first. Then I had to start being controlled by her and start living the life she thought I should be living. Now, I want to get as far away from her as possible and never be near her again.

xoxo, E.M.

Another WOTD: Festival (Emo Version)

It’s a festival of smiles and of tears

When the smiles come less often

Wet eyes fill and explode with emotion

Then come the days of enjoyment

Less often, but on occasion they appear

Raised outer lips turned up in happiness

Like the music and gathering of the festival

They come and go as they please

My soul convivial when the tears leave

My essence gregarious when comes the grins

It’s my festival of emotion nonetheless

That makes me a celebration in my own sense

If I could only control the tears throughout the years

We’ll see…

WOTD Challenge: Quirky

I always love these daily challenges that my fellow bloggers put out there for us to stimulate thoughts and creativity, and I am thankful for them on days that it is hard to write something down. Today’s word of the day to inspire us from Cyranny is the word “quirky“.

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She is just an average girl of average characteristics. Her hair is short, as well as her temper (some might say). She stands a little under five foot tall with an attitude and personality that was much taller than those scanty inches of her height. The girl had always thought of herself as an awkward person growing up, and as an adult, that idea has still not changed since becoming a the woman she is today.

“Awkward…socially awkward”, she often thinks to herself. What does that mean anyway…to be awkward? She is kind of a difficult person and can sometimes say embarrassing things, but she still could not see or ever think of herself as someone who deliberately set out to make people feel uncomfortable or lack grace in her action, as some definitions of the word would suggest. She is just different…maybe a little quirky.

She is mysteriously weird in some situations, and she has her own way about her that makes her persona who it is and will always be. She has always been a bit of a loner (unless she steps outside that comfort zone willingly), and, in social situations, a bit peculiar…even when she wishes to be the social butterfly that can flutter around the room and make people smile. She is eccentric in her personality, taste in music, and in the way her mind wanders and meanders around. She has always her own views that differed outside of societal norms, and although a quiet lady, she can definitely hold her own in a debate for something she believes in.

She almost thrives on being unpredictable, and schedules and organization of daily life has always been chaotic. It works for her though, and she doesn’t mind being the person that does not fit the mold of what everyone else wants her to be.

That girl that is now a woman is quirky, and that girl is me.

WP Word of the Day Challenge – Peach

I have always gotten a “kick” out of people saying the phrase, “Everything is just peachy”. This could mean so many things, but in my experience, it’s pure and unadulterated sarcasm.

When we think of a peach, it is fuzzy with that fuzz standing on end, squishy on the inside, and a hard core in the center. That is a great comparison to a human persona and the physical aspects of humanity. When we are nervous or manipulated, our hair stands on end, and our hearts (the squishy part) is fragile and juicy. We cry when we are hurt (cut open), and it all is structured around this core of our being that can either grow another version of ourselves or fail to regrow to a new- blossomed human.

Whenever I say that something is peachy, it’s rarely a good thing and is usually a sarcastic remark to a harmless question of “how have you been?” or “how are you doing?” If things are good, I would say so, and my good vocabulary never involves the word “peachy”. How about you?

Beautiful?

Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.

Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.

The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.

For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.

Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.

Difficult Selection

One must be more selective who is allowed to affect his or her life. 

It’s okay to allow yourself to be persnickety with your inner circle. 

It’s acceptable to screen the people entering your life on the daily. 

Be difficult. Be cautious. Be persnickety.

It’s your life!

It warrants looking sideways for a moment or turning your nose up to the garbage that is fed to your soul by people who are not legitimate in their intentions with the goodness in your life.

Your destination does not have to end with chaos. 

Breathe yourself in and choose to be persnickety with the welfare of your subconscious. 

You deserve it!

Grounded Happily

It’s funny how time changes when you are alone.

Sometimes it flows slower because you are not racing to make anyone else happy anymore.

You can take a moment to breathe in a deep breath, and that breath revives your inner-self and soul.

It feels so good that even your bones feel free of release from pain, stress, worry, and anxiety.

You feel loose rather than the tightness of glue on your skin.

Alone feels like freedom when you allow yourself to feel truly in your own skin and space that belongs only to you.

You feel grounded.

Your soul regroups.

Then you’re able to feel surrounded by yourself and feel like you’re not alone anymore. 

© E.M. Kingston 2020

Energy Vampire

My mind has the tendency to race around in circles which results in me literally flying all over the place mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I have too much weight on me…bogging down upon my shoulders.  I have moral dilemmas, matters of the heart, financial issues and questions, and so much more I am worried about each and every second of every single day.  It drains me.  It allows me to feel worthless.  All that racing just makes me so tired…like I am spinning and spiraling down a drain coated with pictures of my life.  It is so crowded by the old stuff that plagues me that the new stuff is harder to pick out and ground myself to the present time of my life.

I read my medicine cards today, and they reached out healing with the medicine of creativity and aloneness in order to find my place in this world.  Two things that I am truly struggling tooth and nail with.  I really have no one place that I am safe and feel a sense of belonging.  I can look inside my mind for a sanctuary there, but who wants to do that?  Who wants to hide in that fucking mess?  Not this girl right here.  I want to breathe, live, and learn who I am by experiencing the life that I am choosing for myself at this moment.  I am tired of feeling like a broken down, soulless woman.

I am one of those people that crumble in their weakest times because I do not know how to fix my own problems.  I am great with helping other people and strive for that.  However, I feel selfish if I try to fix myself and my own issues.  And…If I am not placing some sort of guilt on myself, then I am over-analyzing the intentions and words of all of those around me because I fall out of grips with my gifts…allowing these gifts to feel as if they are curses.  It just makes me so over-complicated when everything should be so much easier.

Autumn Finally!

Orange and black colors
Filling my mind with delight
Fake webs hanging above the doors
Loving the season with all of my might

My own Nightmare Before Christmas
As the cold winds blow into the trees
The autumn skies glowing on the brush
The falling leaves brings my heart to appease

The night time brings forth it’s somber tune
Exceptional sounds fill the air at night
As the barn owl hoots at the dark moon
As the coyote’s howl brings us a fright

Jacket weather and the nice cool breeze
No more roasting against the hot sun
A good time to give your loved ones a squeeze
Now is the time for bonfires and fun

The Daily Post:  Word of the Day = Exceptional