What I Am Thankful For

This is my first time doing this Ten Things of Thankful (TToT) prompt, and I think I will do it on a weekly basis to keep my mind positive. It’s amazing all of the ways that I find to heal myself through this blog, and with that said, let’s begin my list. They are in no particular order, and they are just the first things that come up when I think of thankfulness.

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I am thankful for the following:

• My Children – they are so strong, and they make me proud each and every day.
• My Grandbaby – she is the smartest, sweetest, craziest little person that I am blessed to be around.
• My Blog – it helps me heal my inner demons and darkness.
• My Followers – your feedback makes me a better writer and person.
• The Creators – I never thought I would find so many good people through growing my blog and participating in challenges. You guys rock!
• The Roof Above – Yes, I am thankful to have this roof hanging about my head. I have been without one before, and this roof is a good roof to have.
• Basic Needs – everyone needs them, and I am thankful to have a warm shower, food in my mouth, and a bed to lay my head.
• My Dreams – they make me who I am and who I will strive to be.
• My Past – it taught me who I do not want to be or become in my life, and it has showed me my strength. You sometimes have to look back in order to go forward.
• My Mental Health – it makes me who I am also. I spent a lot of time hating who I am and what I am because of having problems with my mental health. To be honest, it makes me pretty unique, and even in the darkness of it’s grips, I am now finding light.

xoxo, E.M.

Happy Saturday: Diagnosis

I was going to fill you all in when I got out of my session yesterday, but I think I was in a bit of shock. I got a new diagnosis, and it made more sense to me while still having a hard time accepting it.

I have Bipolar Disorder with manic depression and severe anxiety. I am not sure which type that is, but the Doctor A felt that it’s pretty severe.

We clicked well, and she was easy to talk to. She prescribed new meds, and I have to go get blood work done before she starts me on the bipolar meds. I’m always scared to take meds to feel normal, but I cannot keep feeling crazy either. My previous therapist had taught me some skills to help me when I spiral, but those stopped working for me.

I will definitely be writing more for prompts and challenges today, so some of my feelings will probably come out in those. It will be staggered though with errands and football games. I am quite the football junkie lol.

I hope you are all doing okay! Do you watch any football? How’s your day going so far?

xoxo, E.M.

What I Am Doing Today

Today has been a decent day, and it’s nice to have one of those once in a while. There is a bit of anxiety, but it’s not the bad kind because I will be seeing a new therapist/psychiatrist today. I believe she is a nurse practitioner for psychiatry. My sister helped me find her, and it is going to be different talking to someone new. I always hope that there will be a chemistry that makes it easy to disclose and talk to new professionals about me.

I hope to come from the initial assessment feeling better about seeking help. It’s something that is hard for me to do, ask for help that is. I have always said that I don’t like to burden anyone with my issues, but I always try to embrace psychotherapy to feel more like myself. I will let you all know how it goes.

The only bad thing happening today is that I woke up in pain. I never sleep on my stomach unless I am having night terrors, and I must have had them after I went into deep sleep. Sometimes I remember, and there are other times I don’t recall anything from sleep…good or bad. My body does feel like it went to war with something though. I am pushing through it.

My living situation has gotten better because I decided to communicate. I realize it is hard to live with someone that has my behaviors because of my mental illness. I hope to continue to feel better and move forward.

I will post more about my session when I get done. It’s in 45 minutes, so wish me luck!

xoxo, E.M.

Anxiety Fog

Sometimes I have a few days or so after bad anxiety attacks that I feel really cloudy and my whole body is sore, and today was one of those days…all thanks to my anxiety fog. Every single time I would try to get up and be productive, my body was fighting me, like it was still asleep and kind of zombie-like in my head.

These days make it hard to write and focus because I just feel so foggy, lingering like a heavy cloud that isn’t sure if it wants to drop rain or roar thunder through the sky. I had every intention on doing my Word of the Day Challenge, and I just couldn’t get the words and expression needed to do a good post.

But, guess what? There is always tomorrow, and life goes on. My intention with this post is to find out if anyone else has these episodes after really crucial anxiety attacks because sometimes it makes it hard to leave my pillow…let alone be a productive member of society (lol). I know that sometimes this can be due to the meds I have to take in combination with the mental fatigue of the attacks, but I always try to reach out to network and create safe spaces for people like me.

Then I also thought that maybe people that do suffer from the fog are not aware that they could be having that happen to them, so I wanted to share the symptoms and information about it.

• Alicia H. Clark, PsyD, has a great page that tells the symptoms, more information about the causes, and how to overcome the effects of anxiety fog. You can find this information by going to her page by clicking: HERE.

With that said, I hope this post will help someone or be seen by someone who knows someone or other people that suffer from this condition, and I am going to rest my brain and body to be fresh and ready for tomorrow (I HOPE lol).

Have a blessed evening/morning/afternoon (whichever applies),

xoxo E.M.

Energy Vampire

My mind has the tendency to race around in circles which results in me literally flying all over the place mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I have too much weight on me…bogging down upon my shoulders.  I have moral dilemmas, matters of the heart, financial issues and questions, and so much more I am worried about each and every second of every single day.  It drains me.  It allows me to feel worthless.  All that racing just makes me so tired…like I am spinning and spiraling down a drain coated with pictures of my life.  It is so crowded by the old stuff that plagues me that the new stuff is harder to pick out and ground myself to the present time of my life.

I read my medicine cards today, and they reached out healing with the medicine of creativity and aloneness in order to find my place in this world.  Two things that I am truly struggling tooth and nail with.  I really have no one place that I am safe and feel a sense of belonging.  I can look inside my mind for a sanctuary there, but who wants to do that?  Who wants to hide in that fucking mess?  Not this girl right here.  I want to breathe, live, and learn who I am by experiencing the life that I am choosing for myself at this moment.  I am tired of feeling like a broken down, soulless woman.

I am one of those people that crumble in their weakest times because I do not know how to fix my own problems.  I am great with helping other people and strive for that.  However, I feel selfish if I try to fix myself and my own issues.  And…If I am not placing some sort of guilt on myself, then I am over-analyzing the intentions and words of all of those around me because I fall out of grips with my gifts…allowing these gifts to feel as if they are curses.  It just makes me so over-complicated when everything should be so much easier.