I Found Out Today

Little secrets, little lies
Irrelevant at the time

Two hours later, not enough time
I was never really on your mind

Deception of mind, trying too hard
You never were really mine

All my money, financially struck
You used me while you moved on

Blame game, hurting my soul
I’m singing my same ole song

Loyalty I gave, destruction received
My heart is burning and in need

Broken promises, anger with hate
My word kept with tears on my face

Tearing burning heart, soul aflame
Maybe my stupidity is stronger than grace

Every single thing I had inside

Now crumble into nothing

My heart is cold and numb

Nothing left to give another soul

Your violations of trust burst inside me like fire

I found out.

© E.M. Kingston 2020

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This is being posted for Fandango’s Flashback Friday. The original post was published on November 1, 2020.

Dark is the Night

Good morning everyone! I am going to do something a little different today for my word of the day. I am going to combine three blogs’ words of the day, and I am going to write it in the poetry style, Alliterisen, which I first saw from one of the blogs I follow called The skeptic’s kaddish. I will be doing three sequences of the style. The words of the day that I will be using are gallery from Word of the Day Challenge, black from The Daily Spur by Nox, and Kafkaesque from Fandango’s One Word Challenge. I wanted to try something new and really challenge myself, and I also wanted to feature many different blogs for you guys to check out. I hope you enjoy, and I always welcome feedback! *smiles* Here we go!

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They are there in the darkest nights

To greet me, so to say, with their despair

I despise when they find me

Daring me to let them in my head

Light is lacking, black, dark

A gallery of Kafkaesque pictures

I feel no power, no control

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The trouble comes to me at my sleep

It is not dreams that come to me these slumbers

I am at their use, their device

Like a minion, the nightmare consumes me

I try to awaken, shook

My nerves balled up in fear, I scream loud

Heart pounding, I sit straight up, no breath

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Dark is the night that finds you while sleeping

The blackness surrounding my bed consumes my soul

The pictures in my head feel too real

Uncontrollable, scary, powerless schemes

These night terrors put into me

Mind objectified, like a possession

No tranquility, my sleep only fright

Beautiful?

Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.

Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.

The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.

For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.

Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.

I Found Out Today

Little secrets, little lies
Irrelevant at the time

Two hours later, not enough time
I was never really on your mind

Deception of mind, trying too hard
You never were really mine

All my money, financially struck
You used me while you moved on

Blame game, hurting my soul
I’m singing my same ole song

Loyalty I gave, destruction received
My heart is burning and in need

Broken promises, anger with hate
My word kept with tears on my face

Tearing burning heart, soul aflame
Maybe my stupidity is stronger than grace

Every single thing I had inside

Now crumble into nothing

My heart is cold and numb

Nothing left to give another soul

Your violations of trust burst inside me like fire

I found out.

© E.M. Kingston 2020

We’ve Changed

Where do we go from here?

Only you would know…

I am sitting here pondering myself

Because you don’t lend me your mind

 

How did we get here?

I imagine it’s all my fault

You changed along with me

Now we’re both lost in our hearts

 

What do you want from me?

I really don’t have a clue

Your feelings elude me

Your heart cold and skewed

 

When did we fall apart, my love?

Not sure how we reached this demise

I don’t remember losing your heart

Regrets overflow my mind

 

Why do we do this to each other?

I wish I could take it all back

For my love is always with you

Even on the darkest of our days

 

She’s Just A Girl

She sits here worrying and contemplating her life, and she doesn’t know which path she should take.  There are good choices and bad ones along her way.  Just like everyone else, she has to make those hard choices.  It just feels too heavy and labored to find a way to be happy.  All she really does is make herself more miserable with each decision she makes.  Everyone wants her to be strong and carry herself to her destination, but, honestly, she’s just a girl.

She doesn’t have all the answers to the mysteries of this world, and she doesn’t always make the right choices.  Her struggles are just as real as his or hers or you or yours.  Each of those struggles drags her down and breaks her.  Each time she breaks, she tries to cope with the bits of herself that she has lost, not knowing if she will ever be able to get those pieces back or repair herself.  Her mind is a mess, and her heart has turned stone cold.  She cannot do everything for everyone anymore because she’s just a girl.

The reason she is just a girl is that she doesn’t know how to do or be anything or anyone else.  This is all she has ever been, and it is probably all she ever will be.  Broken.  Incapable of giving or receiving love.  Lost.  Forsaken.  She just cannot find her way back to the path that will lead her to the destination that she has always dreamed of.  Her struggle is real, and she hopes she can make it through all of the pain of this life.

Afterall, she is just this average girl with average struggles and immense pain.

 

The Thunderstorm of Night

Gray skies and wispy wind
Bring on the storm
I’m ready to begin

Thunder crashing
Lightning strikes
Cowering in the covers of the night

Night moon was hidden
In clouds of chaos
Dropping hail upon the Earth

The tree’s fragile limbs
Snap to the ground
Crushing all beneath

The power flickers
Putting you in the darkness
Lighting candles with a BIC spark

A crash of lighting booms
Close to where you dwell
Taking cover with those you love

Huddled up together strong
Pillows and blankets surround
The thunder shakes the whole town