Hello everyone! I have had a bad mental health weekend since I am getting used to the new meds. My highs are really high, and my sleep has been non-existent due to the highs making me like a kid jacked up on sugar, except for an entire week. I think in 5 days that I have slept less than 12 hours.
Then, to top it off, we have some very strong wind that is making the gazebo blinds smack the crap out of me when I am outside smoking, so there has been no comfort and lots of anger triggers. I have been annoyed to the point that I cannot concentrate on my favorite Sunday activity during this time of the year…football. I think I watched a little bit here and there. Tomorrow my team plays though, which I am excited about.
Long story short…E.M. is having a manic weekend. Works are in progress. I’ll be back at it again tomorrow, hopefully.
This week, Fandango’s Provocative Question, is asking:
Have you ever been to a clothing-optional (nude) venue, such as a beach, resort, club, party, etc? If so, what did you think of the experience? Would you do it again? If not, would you ever consider going to a clothing-optional gathering? Why or why not?
I have never been to a venue where clothing is optional, but I do not know that I would ever feel comfortable going to such a venue due to my own viewpoints about myself. My self-esteem is not strong enough to strut across a beach or sit at a table naked and feel normal. I would find myself worrying about everyone else judging me because that is how my life has been my entire life. “You need a diet” or “Putting on a few extra pounds there, eh?” Those are the normal things I grew up with. My dad was very body conscious and never was out of shape. When I started putting on pounds, he began being critical of me. I still feel the effects.
As per usual, I will be combining my word of the day challenges into one post with a new poetry style, which today will be A L’arora. It is another Laura Lamarca style, and consists of four 8-line stanzas without a syllabic restriction. The 6th and 8th line will be the only rhymes.
The word challenges today are bowl from Daily Spur, late from Fandango, amenable from Ragtag, and clueless from WOTD via Cyanny.
This post is inspired by last night’s events with the toxic ones. I will be moving soon. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I may be going backwards.
I’m trying to move on but keep climbing to be pushed down
Like running up a human-sized bowl with slippers on my feet
Slipping, I struggle and wriggle and beg and plead unsuccessfully
I have become amenable to your behavior, your ways, and your abuse
My insides are screaming for safety, quality, and peace
To feel the essence of my own being sounds of sanctity and bliss
Just let me be and leave me alone…let me live
You think you have not erred…dumbfound and clueless
It’s too late to stop what you put into motion
I am turning my back, walking away, gone soon
In my eyes and heart, you’ll no longer exist
A stranger with no sister, no nieces, no great niece
Your family is leaving you and lacking one tear on our face
Your own doing, losing us all this way
All I wanted is to breath, to excel, and be myself
Your control, anger, and denial turned brightness gray
Calling me out of my name that came from my birth
Pushing and yelling, your triggered my soul
Pain and suffering was not ever the master plan of my move
Dumbed out here like garbage, I needed a light for my path
I was met with your darkness, exploits, and disdain
I have to save me now from the wrath of your illness
Conversations and a relationship are dead, I refrain
You broke me from the innermost part of who I could be tomorrow
Money is not what makes this world spin upon it’s axis
Only controls people to make them as puppets of their masters
All I wanted is to be who I am, successful and benevolent
You wanted mirror-image, to mold me as an imposter
All of this sorrow, so unneeded, unnecessary, and preventable
You can check my name off of your “people to abuse” roster
Today’s poetry style I will be using with my word challenges today is Nove Otto. The words of the day are comfortable by the Daily Spur, attend from Fandango, cloudscape from Ragtag, and spectacle from the Word of the Day challenge via Kristian. Nove Otto is 9 lines of 8 syllables each line, and the pattern of rhyme is aacbbcddc.
As always, be sure to go over and show some love to the hosts of these word challenges, and please join in the fun of the creativity their words invoke inside of you.
The cloudscape that lingered above
If possible, I would feel love
Such a beautiful spectacle
I stood there comfortable, numb
To attend such beauty when glum
Now feeling hypochondrial
The anxiety removes peace
My sanity begins decrease
I pray to fight the obstacle
My mind races to a million or more negative places, it seems
I am the queen of my own torture, as I cannot stop the thoughts…
“Maybe everyone would prosper if I did not exist”
Then the worry comes…
Of who will love my children, my dogs, my little unnecessary stuff that surrounds me…
Who will I hurt?
Who will I bring to my level of despair with my selfish undertaking?
A conundrum of thoughts race around my brain like a hummingbird’s wings flap.
I’m screaming inside and quiet on the out…fake smiles filling my tired face.
I promise myself things will improve…get better…appease myself…
Pain keeps stacking on my shoulder like a game of Jenga…weighing and unstable…
When will the tower fall atop of me, I wonder?
Who will pull the detrimental piece of the mental block inside my brain that causes me to fall?
I hope I never find out…
From the time I wake up and until I lay down again and again and again
I feel lost
I feel sad
I feel unmovitavated
I feel alone
I feel betrayed
I feel hopeless
I feel worry
I am in despair.
I wake up again to more triggers and more backstabbing
A repeated cycle of feelings above…and despair
I’m struggling to breath
I fall victim to myself
I give up
I go back to bed
I cry myself to sleep…
This cannot keep going on.
Sometimes I have a few days or so after bad anxiety attacks that I feel really cloudy and my whole body is sore, and today was one of those days…all thanks to my anxiety fog. Every single time I would try to get up and be productive, my body was fighting me, like it was still asleep and kind of zombie-like in my head.
These days make it hard to write and focus because I just feel so foggy, lingering like a heavy cloud that isn’t sure if it wants to drop rain or roar thunder through the sky. I had every intention on doing my Word of the Day Challenge, and I just couldn’t get the words and expression needed to do a good post.
But, guess what? There is always tomorrow, and life goes on. My intention with this post is to find out if anyone else has these episodes after really crucial anxiety attacks because sometimes it makes it hard to leave my pillow…let alone be a productive member of society (lol). I know that sometimes this can be due to the meds I have to take in combination with the mental fatigue of the attacks, but I always try to reach out to network and create safe spaces for people like me.
Then I also thought that maybe people that do suffer from the fog are not aware that they could be having that happen to them, so I wanted to share the symptoms and information about it.
- Alicia H. Clark, PsyD, has a great page that tells the symptoms, more information about the causes, and how to overcome the effects of anxiety fog. You can find this information by going to her page by clicking: HERE.
With that said, I hope this post will help someone or be seen by someone who knows someone or other people that suffer from this condition, and I am going to rest my brain and body to be fresh and ready for tomorrow (I HOPE lol).
Have a blessed evening/morning/afternoon (whichever applies),
Sometimes I get out of bed feeling good, and I put myself together feeling beautiful, accomplished, and happy. I try to start a new day better than the last, and that’s how I have been healing myself.
Then we have the days that I cannot bear my own reflection, and the day follows the same pattern. These are the days spent with the misery of past relationships, trauma, and abuse. I could write a book of everything and everyone who have killed seeing myself as a beautiful woman. These days are hard to heal.
The worst part of being a caring and thoughtful human being with empath skills is that you break easier and harder than the rest of the population that is considered “normal”. When someone causes pain to someone like myself, the first place it strikes is at the head of insecurities and weaknesses.
For me, those insecurities and weaknesses are contained within my self-image and vanity. I have never been a vain person, but I would rather look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful no matter who threw crap in my face. Some days are better than others, but I always hear my demons roar.
Today was an ugly day. I’m ready for a pretty one.
Little secrets, little lies
Irrelevant at the time
Two hours later, not enough time
I was never really on your mind
Deception of mind, trying too hard
You never were really mine
All my money, financially struck
You used me while you moved on
Blame game, hurting my soul
I’m singing my same ole song
Loyalty I gave, destruction received
My heart is burning and in need
Broken promises, anger with hate
My word kept with tears on my face
Tearing burning heart, soul aflame
Maybe my stupidity is stronger than grace
Every single thing I had inside
Now crumble into nothing
My heart is cold and numb
Nothing left to give another soul
Your violations of trust burst inside me like fire
I found out.
© E.M. Kingston 2020
My mind has the tendency to race around in circles which results in me literally flying all over the place mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have too much weight on me…bogging down upon my shoulders. I have moral dilemmas, matters of the heart, financial issues and questions, and so much more I am worried about each and every second of every single day. It drains me. It allows me to feel worthless. All that racing just makes me so tired…like I am spinning and spiraling down a drain coated with pictures of my life. It is so crowded by the old stuff that plagues me that the new stuff is harder to pick out and ground myself to the present time of my life.
I read my medicine cards today, and they reached out healing with the medicine of creativity and aloneness in order to find my place in this world. Two things that I am truly struggling tooth and nail with. I really have no one place that I am safe and feel a sense of belonging. I can look inside my mind for a sanctuary there, but who wants to do that? Who wants to hide in that fucking mess? Not this girl right here. I want to breathe, live, and learn who I am by experiencing the life that I am choosing for myself at this moment. I am tired of feeling like a broken down, soulless woman.
I am one of those people that crumble in their weakest times because I do not know how to fix my own problems. I am great with helping other people and strive for that. However, I feel selfish if I try to fix myself and my own issues. And…If I am not placing some sort of guilt on myself, then I am over-analyzing the intentions and words of all of those around me because I fall out of grips with my gifts…allowing these gifts to feel as if they are curses. It just makes me so over-complicated when everything should be so much easier.