Each Friday, Fandango has a Flashback Friday to bring current one of our past posts. I did not have one for the 22nd on any of my submissions, which was funny to me, but I was not always consistent on posting. The post I am going to share with you is a poem from April 23, 2017. It was written right before my marriage ended.
Heavy breath from my lips Used to be light and fluffy My thoughts now so radioactive Toxic to my well-being A tide of events breaks my heart Into pieces of what used to be me My anxiety is a man-eater, except I’m female Raging with it’s own hormones and darkness It’s ludicrious how much I live there Inside of myself, hating this version Of who I have become from who I was This person a malapert edition of failure I straddle my emotions like a horse Trying to guide my essence, but being overcome I need to find out who I am again…
I got a little preoccupied trying a new style of poetry, so I have not posted since Friday. One of my fellow writers, revivedwriter, did a Sestina, and it was so cool that I wanted to try it myself. It’s a very difficult poetry style, and it really challenged me. With that said, I am using the word challenges from October 1st and October 2nd to write the Sestina.
The word challenges for October 1 & 2 were as follows:
Brief moments of peace, I yearn to have some quiet Every feeling inside of me, so raw and extreme I sit still, listening to an empty room become loud With the voices jabbering inside of my head My footsteps are like those of a ghoul sneaking by me These walls hold my pain, my declivity, and my soul
The fear I am sick with consumes my aching soul Change has me on eggshells, “be very quiet!” The figment in my imagination, the pain eats at me All of my senses intensified, it’s to an extreme My failure rings out like a bell inside of my head As I cannot quiet my suffering that screams loud
Respect for my situation is truth, but still I cry loud As the wave of blame falls upon my tired soul I carry everything…so heavy…on my shoulders and head No tight hugs to hold me when the darkness becomes quiet A rarity is the one good feeling, all it takes to heal me
A plethora of emotions come close and swallow me The feeling of drowning when the voices get too loud Out of control thoughts, no longer mild, only extreme They are picking and tearing into this old tired soul Stop! Why can you not be quiet? This is too much…get out of my head!
My nerves are dancing and standing intrinsic to my head As they feel of life, the decay of my essence threatens me They refuse to sit down, dancing about and not quiet The more I kick and scream, the dancing is getting so loud This illness is sickening and overwhelming everything about me Do you hear me? I am yelling at you with my voice loud! Only to find out I am not loud at all…It’s quiet.
I am back with the word challenges today from my favorite daily prompts, and I figured I would take it back to a time when life was easy, which was just being a kid who learned to write poems and found her creativity. I hope you all will enjoy!
The word challenges today are teacher from Nox, composition from Fandango, phobia from Ragtag, watery from WOTD via Cyanny, hint from My Vivid Blog (my first for this prompt), and repine from Your Daily Word Prompt (also the first one).
A teacher lit the light in my soul Bringing me to poetry composition The phobia of doubting myself vanished The connection become immediate and real No repine from me, in the feelings of my peers I wrote without of hint of holding back Like the watery falls from atop a mountain I found my way with words and expression I found who I am…
Since, I didn’t get much time yesterday to write and release, I will be using the words from September 27th (yesterday) and today to let all of this pain out of my heart. Hopefully all the words together will release some pain and provide something interesting to read for all of you. These inspirations, the challenges, give me a way to heal inside to carry on my day. They trigger my creativity instead of my mental illness. Thank you to all of you that contribute to me feeling better each and every single day.
As per usual, I will be combining my word of the day challenges into one post with a new poetry style, which today will be A L’arora. It is another Laura Lamarca style, and consists of four 8-line stanzas without a syllabic restriction. The 6th and 8th line will be the only rhymes.
This post is inspired by last night’s events with the toxic ones. I will be moving soon. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I may be going backwards.
I’m trying to move on but keep climbing to be pushed down Like running up a human-sized bowl with slippers on my feet Slipping, I struggle and wriggle and beg and plead unsuccessfully I have become amenable to your behavior, your ways, and your abuse My insides are screaming for safety, quality, and peace To feel the essence of my own being sounds of sanctity and bliss
Just let me be and leave me alone…let me live You think you have not erred…dumbfound and clueless
It’s too late to stop what you put into motion I am turning my back, walking away, gone soon In my eyes and heart, you’ll no longer exist A stranger with no sister, no nieces, no great niece Your family is leaving you and lacking one tear on our face Your own doing, losing us all this way
All I wanted is to breath, to excel, and be myself Your control, anger, and denial turned brightness gray
Calling me out of my name that came from my birth Pushing and yelling, your triggered my soul Pain and suffering was not ever the master plan of my move Dumbed out here like garbage, I needed a light for my path I was met with your darkness, exploits, and disdain
I have to save me now from the wrath of your illness Conversations and a relationship are dead, I refrain
You broke me from the innermost part of who I could be tomorrow Money is not what makes this world spin upon it’s axis Only controls people to make them as puppets of their masters All I wanted is to be who I am, successful and benevolent You wanted mirror-image, to mold me as an imposter
All of this sorrow, so unneeded, unnecessary, and preventable You can check my name off of your “people to abuse” roster
Today’s poetry style I will be using with my word challenges today is Nove Otto. The words of the day are comfortable by the Daily Spur, attend from Fandango, cloudscape from Ragtag, and spectacle from the Word of the Day challenge via Kristian. Nove Otto is 9 lines of 8 syllables each line, and the pattern of rhyme is aacbbcddc.
As always, be sure to go over and show some love to the hosts of these word challenges, and please join in the fun of the creativity their words invoke inside of you.
The cloudscape that lingered above If possible, I would feel love Such a beautiful spectacle I stood there comfortable, numb To attend such beauty when glum Now feeling hypochondrial The anxiety removes peace My sanity begins decrease I pray to fight the obstacle
Today’s word challenges (September 24, 2021) will also be on this post, and they are passion from Daily Spur, lecture from #FOWC, lamp from RDP, and anemone from the Word of the Day challenge via Melanie B. Cee.
It was supposed to be a normal, routine day Waking, to the nothingness and quiet, I pray Sometimes to no avail, but I always plead out The rhythm of my chaos wins, without a doubt
Another day would have been better than that served More effort extended, my intentions now curved My triggers standing on end, seeking to obtain clout The rhythm of my chaos wins, without a doubt
Surrounded by feelings, tears suggest I may care The environment around me steals all the air Thick and suffocating, the toxicity stout The rhythm of my chaos wins, without a doubt
The way that they hate me is needless and obtuse My mouth zipped shut without speaking, no more abuse My unwanted voice silences to stop debate The toxicity wins, my feelings desiccate
The needing to end my suffering and torment Never-ending pain, like soft skin pounding cement These emotions are raw and hard to navigate The deep toxicity wins, the soul to desiccate
The normal girl full of passion and much desire Saves her soul from this world, filled with that of hellfire The lantern of my eyes fade and soul chips like slate The deep toxicity wins, the soul to desiccate
Like an anemone, stinging me by the touch This is all weighing too heavy on me, too much Twisting and turning, there has to be a new route The rhythm of my chaos wins, without a doubt
Normal sounds blissful like a fairy tale ending Can you not realize the thoughts my head are upending Another lecture, uninvited, I can never take that bait The deep toxicity wins, the soul to desiccate
I am at it again…with my combined word challenges *giggles*
Todays words will be drop by Daily Spur, lethal by Ragtag Daily Prompt, boutique by Fandango’s One Word Challenge, and sparkling from Word of the Day via Kristian. I will be doing the Lannet poetry style today, which is a 14-line, 10 syllable count line, no-rhyming sonnet by made by Laura Lamarca. As always, be sure to go to these pages and show some love while challenging yourself to be creative!
On days like these, opinions vary, strife As much as I wish to see sparkling, happy, free The mirror, at times, is my nemesis My self-esteem towards my view is lethal Like time is rushing fast, I see wrinkles Curved around my lip like an hourglass My teeth gone like yesterday’s terrible news
My body screams when I struggle into tight-fit jeans My favorite ones from my favorite boutique, sighing strongly I feel my head drop down in shame, affliction Who was this girl who had gotten so round? I choke, I cry, I fall to my knees, defeat My power and esteem stuck in the past How I miss the days of being blissful….
My lived experience of receiving, & living with the effects of, a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), & the many ways in which it has affected me, & my interactions with traditional mental health services & supports. In addition, I share what I've learned from this, & my thoughts around what would've been more helpful for me, & how we can all work to be more helpful to each other... this blog, like me, is a work in progress, but hopefully we're both headed in the right direction. 😉