What I Am Doing Today

Today has been a decent day, and it’s nice to have one of those once in a while. There is a bit of anxiety, but it’s not the bad kind because I will be seeing a new therapist/psychiatrist today. I believe she is a nurse practitioner for psychiatry. My sister helped me find her, and it is going to be different talking to someone new. I always hope that there will be a chemistry that makes it easy to disclose and talk to new professionals about me.

I hope to come from the initial assessment feeling better about seeking help. It’s something that is hard for me to do, ask for help that is. I have always said that I don’t like to burden anyone with my issues, but I always try to embrace psychotherapy to feel more like myself. I will let you all know how it goes.

The only bad thing happening today is that I woke up in pain. I never sleep on my stomach unless I am having night terrors, and I must have had them after I went into deep sleep. Sometimes I remember, and there are other times I don’t recall anything from sleep…good or bad. My body does feel like it went to war with something though. I am pushing through it.

My living situation has gotten better because I decided to communicate. I realize it is hard to live with someone that has my behaviors because of my mental illness. I hope to continue to feel better and move forward.

I will post more about my session when I get done. It’s in 45 minutes, so wish me luck!

xoxo, E.M.

I Digress…

Ugh. Why am I up this early morning? Well…the toxic ones came home with their looks of hatred as I walked in from a cigarette outside. My answer was sleep.

I laid down before 4 pm my time, and I woke at 1:30 am. The drug cocktail put me out…like flipping the switch and shutting off all the power to an entire town.

I have quiet right now. I still don’t have peace. The boy is awake and walking about. I always know when it’s him. My younger dog, Marcellus, hates him and growls when he’s near. Sneaky. Flashlight on his phone creeping around like a bandit in the night…

Welcome to my Saturday *sighs*

A Work in Progress – Days 2 & 3

Day 2 –

I woke up at a time that is considered late for me, 9:13 a.m. PST. Normally, I am up before 8. I did the normal routine of dreading dropping my feet on the ground, but my dogs were nagging to go outside since I slept so late. They’ll sneeze and make the bed move, sort of to say, “Hey…get ya ass out of bed woman!” I did…grabbed some of my iced coffee out of the fridge, and made our way out the patio doors.

I had not been up long and my phone rang. It was my ex’s mom, and boy, she had a lot to say. My daughter was there, and both of our jaws dangled on the ground with all of the hateful things that she had to say about her son. She had no idea that we had became friends and put past history aside…may even be working towards reconciliation…but I won’t assume to know or want to know about that. It was toxic at the end, and I have enough toxicity in my life without adding a relationship known to be toxic back to into the mix of my chaos. Anyhow…change the subject E.M.

Back to the call, I listened to this woman beat words of hate about her own son that she had carried and given birth to from her own body…absolutely triggered, shocked… I stood up for him and tried to make her see her son as something other than a “monster filled with anger”. He had a rough life, as most of us have, but life can be rougher if everyone who is supposed to love you actually hates you and despises the shoes you walk in. That was something I know better than anyone who has ever been in his life, and he would support this claim I am making.

With all that said, I contacted him immediately after hanging up the phone. Writing had to be put aside because I had to meet with him and give him a recording of the call that my daughter took after hearing the conversation’s first 30-45 seconds. He’s like a father to her. We love him. Always have and always will. He saved me from myself many times…more than I like to admit. Oh…there I go again…back to task *smh* We met up and had some dinner, passed the file, and gave some hugs…then I went about my way in the dark.

In between all the stuff going on with this son-bashing mother, if you will call her that…the toxic ones start their bull by texting about “if they can cook something to eat because their sick of fast food, sandwiches, and tv dinners”. Let’s make a note right now that this is her house, not mine and my daughter’s. I just occupy the downstairs bedroom…the blue room. All this petty nonsense is so unnecessary and more triggering happens each time…she knows this. So, triggered, night blind, and frustrated, I get us home to an alarm letting her know we are home and a door once open now closed upstairs. I try to write my challenges for the day, cannot concentrate, and spend the evening sitting outside enjoying a cool night with my daughter.

Unsuccessful day of writing to say the least, I admit. I’ll play catch-up today…

Day 3 –

Thus far, uneventful. That can change in an instant. I’m still feeling the effects of the triggers from yesterday. A conversation this morning did not help repress the trigger effects, so I am kind of all over the place. More to come…

xoxo, E.M.

Dark is the Night

Good morning everyone! I am going to do something a little different today for my word of the day. I am going to combine three blogs’ words of the day, and I am going to write it in the poetry style, Alliterisen, which I first saw from one of the blogs I follow called The skeptic’s kaddish. I will be doing three sequences of the style. The words of the day that I will be using are gallery from Word of the Day Challenge, black from The Daily Spur by Nox, and Kafkaesque from Fandango’s One Word Challenge. I wanted to try something new and really challenge myself, and I also wanted to feature many different blogs for you guys to check out. I hope you enjoy, and I always welcome feedback! *smiles* Here we go!

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They are there in the darkest nights

To greet me, so to say, with their despair

I despise when they find me

Daring me to let them in my head

Light is lacking, black, dark

A gallery of Kafkaesque pictures

I feel no power, no control

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The trouble comes to me at my sleep

It is not dreams that come to me these slumbers

I am at their use, their device

Like a minion, the nightmare consumes me

I try to awaken, shook

My nerves balled up in fear, I scream loud

Heart pounding, I sit straight up, no breath

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Dark is the night that finds you while sleeping

The blackness surrounding my bed consumes my soul

The pictures in my head feel too real

Uncontrollable, scary, powerless schemes

These night terrors put into me

Mind objectified, like a possession

No tranquility, my sleep only fright