2010 – Story Starter #16

Fandango has a weekly Story Starter to get us writing some new goodies on our blogs, and it’s a great way to get a story started and be inspired to write.

This week’s Story Starter teaser is:

It was in the spring of 2010 when I first realized that I could…

free myself from the grips of a man who will never like me, let alone love me. I had thought in the beginning that he was the perfect one for me, but I could not have been more wrong. He was toxic, and I knew I needed to get away from his narcissisms. A chance came about where he went to jail for not paying his child support, and I made the attempt to keep him away. One of my friends drove all the way from Michigan to come and help me out. He had left me financially broken, which was not something that was new. I never had my own money, only his. That’s another way of many that he controlled me, with money. The other ways were with cars and forcing me to take drugs.

I had many different vehicles that he sold or trashed that belonged to me only for short moments. When he bought a vehicle for himself, it would be a manual transmission, since he knew I could not drive a stick. It required too much coordination, and I was not a fan of shifting gears. I was more of a put it into gear and go kind of girl. This disadvantage of mine, he used to his advantage to keep me home like a hermit. My only refuge away from the loneliness was my online gaming and social media. That wasn’t so bad, I guess. I got to interact with people who I found to be decent people, but I just had a small group of friends that could never save me from my solitude. It was what it was, but I knew I needed to get away or push him out.

As if the control with money and cars wasn’t enough, he then started bringing home drugs and telling me I was so fat that I needed to do them. When you are under control of another person, the manipulation of your mental health is easy, so I complied due to my self-hate that I already had about myself. He used my own issues with myself against me, and I did what he said. He brought home meth, and I either snorted it or smoked it. It would keep me up for days though, which was almost a good side effect to the drugs. I’m not proud of the fact that I did not have the willpower to not do them, but they saved me from a lot of sexual abuse while sleeping. If I wasn’t asleep, he couldn’t get at me like he normally did. I embraced that fact about the meth. It saved me a little bit from more abuse.

When he got put in jail, everything was a little less heavy, and I went to visit him to tell him that he was not allowed to come home. At this time, we were not legally married, and I owned the house and land that we lived on. My mom gave it to me in an attempt to keep me from ever being homeless. My friend, who we will just call T.G., helped me with a few bills and finding my love of coffee. He showed me another world. Sadly, it was short-lived because I was scared of my ex, and I didn’t want T.G. to get hurt or for me to get hurt either. I sent him away and took the loser back when he got out of jail. I was too scared. I failed at this attempt to leave him or push him out.

There would be three other attempts, with third time being a charm, to get away from him. That is how I ended up in California. He moved onto the next victim. I still feel like I failed at escaping him sometimes because he got rid of me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found myself here.

If you have ever been in this situation or are in a situation like this, get out! There are many resources to help you, and I never knew about them. There are shelters that hide you from your abuser, and there are people that will help you get free. Don’t let them abuse you like I did. You may fail the first attempt at freedom, but keep trying until you succeed.

xoxo, E.M.

Anxious Heartbreak

Her upper lip quivered as she felt her heart being ripped from her chest.

The world she had created was being swallowed up by the fissure of mistakes of her past.

One conversation would change life back to a time when she was unstable and broken.

Her heartbreak was matching the anxiousness she was feeling in her soul as she lost everything again.

She had no understanding how it is always so easy for people to walk out of her life.

Except they do that all the time, and it is always when her life is one huge bungle of failure.

She’s running out of lives to live…

xoxo, E.M.

E.M.’s Photo Challenge #386

This is the first time using this Photo Challenge prompt from Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie, and I am really excited to try it. I am going to mix the word challenges in this creation, and I hope you all enjoy it.

Photo Credit: Caters

He looks down at the dirty streets filled with cars and people, and he wonders what it would feel like to fall. Tears fill his eyes in a flood of emotion, and he runs his fingers along the underside of groovy edges on the cement balcony upon which he sits while peeking over the edge of his knees. He feels like his life is an allusion of what he should be, and the sounds coming from below are bloodcurdling, loud, and triggering.

He is too scared to push off forward to his demise, and he hopes someone will come to save him from himself. He wants to look back but can only look down. His face flushes with fear, and his ears feel as hot as the sun in the desert.

Then it happened. He no longer felt like he was on fire. He feels divine intervention holding onto him as his heart races, causing a shiver in his bones.

“I can’t do this”, he says to himself. He slowly backs his bottom to where he can put each leg in a safe place and exits his looming demise.

“I have too much life to live to go out like this. Thank you, God!”

He exits the balcony, grabs a bottle of water, and walks out the door to never go back again.

Me vs Me

Heavy breath from my lips
Used to be light and fluffy
My thoughts now so radioactive
Toxic to my well-being
A tide of events breaks my heart
Into pieces of what used to be me
My anxiety is a man-eater, except I’m female
Raging with it’s own hormones and darkness
It’s ludicrious how much I live there
Inside of myself, hating this version
Of who I have become from who I was
This person a malapert edition of failure
I straddle my emotions like a horse
Trying to guide my essence, but being overcome
I need to find out who I am again…

xoxo, E.M.

This is my submission for the word challenges from Daily Spur, Fandango, Ragtag, My Vivid Blog, Word of the Day Challenge, and Your Daily Word Prompt.

Waking Up: Life with E.M.

From the time I wake up, I struggle with even wanting to get out of bed. The problem is that I really want my first cigarette of the day, but my body wants to stay in bed to avoid what is waiting outside. I do it though. I rise up and throw my comfortable covers to the side and allow myself to take the steps needed to go smoke. Then I play a few games on my phone, and then I write down all of my feelings from the time I wake up.

I have a legal pad that I doodle my thoughts upon. I never really read them until I feel like I can do something with them though. I use them when I need to heal and express. This week I have wrote more on paper than I have written on my blog, but sometimes I feel like, “Who wants to read sadness all of the time?” There is so much sadness and feeling pity for my situation.

Mental illness is terrible. I think I would much rather have the flu because you can recover from it. I wonder sometimes if I will ever find my version of happy or feel free of my own insecurities and inner suffering. The thoughts inside of my head are crucial, and they really mess me up. I am a human sponge when it comes to people around me, and I feel everything. I try to ground myself to not feel their energy, but when everyone is mad at you all of the time for speaking your own truth…it’s heartbreaking.

I wish I could just shut of my empath skills, like for real. I am sick of feeling everyone’s disdain for their own lives that they project onto mine. I am tired of not being able to tell people when they upset me or disrespect me. I keep my mouth shut 9 times out of 10 because I hate confrontation and anger. I put on my smile, forget that they just hurt me, and move on with life because I am the only one around this house that is not entitled to have feelings or speak out when someone has made me feel a certain way.

I hate that I feel stuck and feel conflicted on what to do. I am tired of fighting to belong somewhere. I have struggled with that my entire life…never fitting in. I have always been different and seen the world different than other people. I think it has some aspects to do with having a few blessings of abilities, and the other part of it is that I am not an evil person. I wish I could treat people like they treat me and talk to me.

Honestly, I have to wake up and keep going because my pain gives me power, and I refuse to let them win. I refuse to let people continue to break me. It’s time to get help. It was the worst day today, so it can only go up from here… right?

xoxo, E.M.

Three Things Challenge #747 by E.M.

Pensitivity101 hosts the Three Things Challenge, and today’s words are hefty, hole, and missing. Here is my creation using these words.

She carries a hefty load upon her shoulders
Filled and packed down, heavy as boulders
The worry creating a hole in her caring heart
She has no clue where to go, how to start
To fill this void where love is missing
Has left her lonely and always wishing

xoxo, E.M.

Checking In

The past week has really took a toll on me, physically and mentally…hence why I have not done any challenges. I keep packing up my life into boxes, and I’m so scared. Much of the time, I feel like I am a problem for everyone around me…part of the mental sickness I suppose. I have kind of vegged out at night on shows and tried to be productive during the day. That has a price though…with a torn labrum and a plate and 4 screws in my neck. Now, I am having trouble standing on my right heel or walking on it because of pain in my heel bone and down my foot. The tile floors are really hard, and I don’t know if I have a spur or something on the bone. I barely wear shoes unless I am going somewhere.

Anyway…I am still alive and kickin’…I am just having some rough days. Dark days…the days I hate and try to avoid. I am manic and triggered too easily. I may write some more tonight or in the morning. I just need to think.

Voices: E.M.’s First Sestina

I got a little preoccupied trying a new style of poetry, so I have not posted since Friday. One of my fellow writers, revivedwriter, did a Sestina, and it was so cool that I wanted to try it myself. It’s a very difficult poetry style, and it really challenged me. With that said, I am using the word challenges from October 1st and October 2nd to write the Sestina.

The word challenges for October 1 & 2 were as follows:

Now, let’s continue with Voices…

Brief moments of peace, I yearn to have some quiet
Every feeling inside of me, so raw and extreme
I sit still, listening to an empty room become loud
With the voices jabbering inside of my head
My footsteps are like those of a ghoul sneaking by me
These walls hold my pain, my declivity, and my soul

The fear I am sick with consumes my aching soul
Change has me on eggshells, “be very quiet!”
The figment in my imagination, the pain eats at me
All of my senses intensified, it’s to an extreme
My failure rings out like a bell inside of my head
As I cannot quiet my suffering that screams loud

Respect for my situation is truth, but still I cry loud
As the wave of blame falls upon my tired soul
I carry everything…so heavy…on my shoulders and head
No tight hugs to hold me when the darkness becomes quiet
A rarity is the one good feeling, all it takes to heal me

A plethora of emotions come close and swallow me
The feeling of drowning when the voices get too loud
Out of control thoughts, no longer mild, only extreme
They are picking and tearing into this old tired soul
Stop! Why can you not be quiet?
This is too much…get out of my head!

My nerves are dancing and standing intrinsic to my head
As they feel of life, the decay of my essence threatens me
They refuse to sit down, dancing about and not quiet
The more I kick and scream, the dancing is getting so loud
This illness is sickening and overwhelming everything about me
Do you hear me? I am yelling at you with my voice loud!
Only to find out I am not loud at all…It’s quiet.

xoxo, E.M.

California Vibe

I will always say that I was born to live here…in California. I have lived many places and a few states, but I have never loved a place as much as I do in this one. It will be sad to leave the ocean, and I am leaving behind the love of my life. Sacrifices…I am always the one that sacrifices for the sake of sanity. I will miss him and the sound of the ocean, along with many other things. Things that make my soul feel pure…like walking to the sounds of the city in Oakland and the peaceful ride on the train up there. I will miss my toes in the sand, and the cold waters of the Pacific smacking me while I play with the waves. I will miss the opportunities to help people and share my voice to create change, since Arkansas is not as diverse as California…at all. I will miss the comfort of feeling a sense of fitting in. I was born to be in California, and I really hope to make it my final destination on my path of growth along the way. I’ll be back!

xoxo, E.M.

Torn Inside Out

Since, I didn’t get much time yesterday to write and release, I will be using the words from September 27th (yesterday) and today to let all of this pain out of my heart. Hopefully all the words together will release some pain and provide something interesting to read for all of you. These inspirations, the challenges, give me a way to heal inside to carry on my day. They trigger my creativity instead of my mental illness. Thank you to all of you that contribute to me feeling better each and every single day.

The word challenges for Monday were shoot from the Daily Spur, inebriated from Fandango, bluff from Ragtag, and adjustment from WOTD via Kristian.

Today’s word challenges are bitter from the Daily Spur, novice from Fandango, escape from Ragtag, and bittersweet from WOTD via Melanie B Cee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day for me to escape has come abruptly
No warning, but I saw it coming
Moving west to middle, an adjustment
There will be nobody calling my bluff

I’m sad, happy, scared, and bitter
All things come with a price
My heart will be inebriated with fear
Until all comes together in peace

Like a novice endeavoring into a new career
I am an expert and returned from where I ran
I will shoot my shot to try again
In a place I never believed I would ever go back

I prayed for peace and a place of home
Bittersweet the place I will land
Wish me luck soon, as I’ll be on my way
My heart’s torn inside out to leave

xoxo, E.M.