Backstep: The Fight Within

This post that I am sharing for Flashback Friday is a sad one. I originally published this on my old blog on March 17, 2016. My dad had just passed in January, and the family got pretty ugly. I took the loss pretty hard.

Back Step: The Fight Within

This week has been one of those weeks that make me want to stand in the middle of the universe and let out a primal scream.  Everything weighing on me feels so heavy, and I am not sure what to do anymore.  On one hand, I have my medical needs that are being tended to.  On the other hand, there is all of the mess that was left with Dad’s estate.  I find myself angry that we were left with such a mess to deal with.  After the heart attacks Dad had, he should have been better prepared.  I don’t want to let anyone down, so I stand and keep fighting.  I am just not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

All I keep hearing in my head is, “You never know.  Something good might come of this.  Hugs and Kisses. I love you more than words can say.”  That was the last thing my Dad said to me.  I just don’t see anything good coming of his death.  All I see is greed and spitefulness.  I see family turned against my sister and me for wanting a few things to remember our Dad by.  We don’t want everything, but it would be our right to have everything.  If Dad is watching all of this from above, I bet he is really disappointed how Missy and I have been treated by our “family”.  Can they even be called that after all of this?

I think of Dad’s funeral when Pastor Lehman spoke of material possessions and to not let his passing be about that kind of stuff.  It’s almost like he knew the battle that was about to happen.  Maybe I am the only one that heard him as I sat there staring at the grey coffin holding my father’s body.  I sat there shaking inside of myself looking at it.  I heard every word of what the pastor was saying to us.  Now I feel like it is up to me to make sure everything is treated right.  I’m growing tired already.  I really could use some strength or some help to get through this.

©E.M. Kingston 3/17/2016

10 thoughts on “Backstep: The Fight Within

  1. I am sorry for your loss Amy. I lost my Dad in 1996, and it was a bad time for everyone. He’d been planning on coming home when he had a second heart attack, one he never came round from.
    Mum stayed with my sister as they had been living there for about a year when he died, so I was glad she was not on her own. A lot went on over the next few years, and Mum passed away in January 2018. I see my Mum and Dad together in the Garden of Forever and take great comfort in that. The family has more or less disbanded, and I know if my parents were here to see it, they would be so upset at the way things have turned out. I have very few things of my Dad’s, but Mum had put together a box of so many precious little things, each labelled for me in her own hand and they are priceless.
    I hope you have some tender and loving memories of your Dad. I know I have of both of them.


    1. Thanks, Di. My dad had two heart attacks as well. He had to get brought back to life on the second. His heart didn’t kill him though. He had bladder cancer, and he waited to long to get his surgery. The cancer spread to his lungs and all over really as soon as they opened him up. After his surgery, he got C Diff. He lost his wife Jean to metastatic breast cancer, and she was like a mom to me for most of my life. I hope they are with your mum and dad in the Garden. I worry my mom is not far behind. Thank you for such a thoughtful comment about Dad. I’m sorry that you have lost both of your parents. I bet they are watching down and checking in on you from time to time. I like to think that my Dad does too. My grandma as well. They are all probably playing cards with the angels. Hugs to you, Di!


      1. I’m convinced my Dad and FIL are sharing a bottle of my Dad’s homebrew and one of Mum’s apple pies. I shared my helicopter ride with my Dad having rushed the pictures through (no digital camera then). Hubby had arranged it for my 40th birthday but they couldn’t fir me in so I had to go the week before. It was the last thing I shared with my dad so that made it all the more precious. He died the day after my 40th birthday with me holding one hand and my Mum holding the other. A very special moment.

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        1. That’s awesome that you have that special moment with him before his passing. My dad died three days after his own birthday. We have some similarities of our dads passing. Thank you for sharing about your parents with me. It is nice to talk about it with someone who understands that kind of loss. Amazing moment with Mum. I couldn’t make it in time to my Dad.

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          1. I’ve always been a good listener Amy. I couldn’t be with my Mum, we were too far away (250 miles / four and a half hours) and the text message from my sister arrived half an hour before the one she sent saying she’d died. I immediately rang her but she wouldn’t talk to me. I was shut out from everything after that.

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