My mind has the tendency to race around in circles which results in me literally flying all over the place mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have too much weight on me…bogging down upon my shoulders. I have moral dilemmas, matters of the heart, financial issues and questions, and so much more I am worried about each and every second of every single day. It drains me. It allows me to feel worthless. All that racing just makes me so tired…like I am spinning and spiraling down a drain coated with pictures of my life. It is so crowded by the old stuff that plagues me that the new stuff is harder to pick out and ground myself to the present time of my life.
I read my medicine cards today, and they reached out healing with the medicine of creativity and aloneness in order to find my place in this world. Two things that I am truly struggling tooth and nail with. I really have no one place that I am safe and feel a sense of belonging. I can look inside my mind for a sanctuary there, but who wants to do that? Who wants to hide in that fucking mess? Not this girl right here. I want to breathe, live, and learn who I am by experiencing the life that I am choosing for myself at this moment. I am tired of feeling like a broken down, soulless woman.
I am one of those people that crumble in their weakest times because I do not know how to fix my own problems. I am great with helping other people and strive for that. However, I feel selfish if I try to fix myself and my own issues. And…If I am not placing some sort of guilt on myself, then I am over-analyzing the intentions and words of all of those around me because I fall out of grips with my gifts…allowing these gifts to feel as if they are curses. It just makes me so over-complicated when everything should be so much easier.